And so it is, with anyone in our lives that stay awhile and go, take something- even if so minuscule. And sometimes when we love them- or even if we don’t- we can hope they took the good. And even if they took the bad, that they will somehow do good with it- if even it is only to understand it. To be better, having stayed awhile in our life.
Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.
Not currently as happy as I want to be
A lull in my life right now
I’m wanting what I had
I wish I had of been better
Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.
I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.
I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.
Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.
Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.
Do you ever think back to a time period with someone and can’t remember who you really were?
A few years spent together with a person and you can’t bring your imagination to recreate how you were, how you felt.
Thoughts like these make me wonder me.
If I’m to change so drastically again- as perhaps is a continual cycle- then I and the people in my life will either have to adapt together on this or be left in the past.
Present me knows that whoever I end up choosing to spend my entire life with, has to know that the Future me could potentially forget who I was. That Present me will change.
So it is important that the Present Other knows my heart and my core – and loves THOSE parts of me. Not the ones that will change so extremely.
Take a few minutes to go through your bras and re strap them so they fit properly. Over time they loosen and before you know it, we’re wearing a bra that isn’t supporting us. That’s something that has long term affects.
Give away or sell clothes you don’t feel nice in. All those sweats and big sweaters? I know it’s getting colder but ridding yourself of some of these over sized comfortables will make you less inclined to overeat.
If you’re someone who likes things to LOOK at least slightly organised and in place, this ones for you. When you’re getting ready to go out and clothes and make up and papers get put in all the wrong spots and you’re in a hurry and you’re whipping around trying to put your sweaters back into the closet and your folders back into the drawers and books on the shelf… Just don’t. Get better at walking away from a messy room in these times. The world ain’t gonna slenderize into oblivion and you sure as heck only gonna have to reapply your makeup and deodorant with sweating so much. Let cleaning up come after your outing and if you can’t handle that, then start getting ready earlier!
Always put water in your smoothie cups and hot chocolate mugs. If any dish has the potential to crust up hard after sitting in the sink for awhile, rinse it first. Even though it has to wait a bit longer to get the full washing, you’ll save yourself some serious scrub time.
Try reading a book or magazine before bed instead of watching a screen. It’s easier to get to sleep that way.
Typing of books:
Who needs a book of daily jokes when you’ve got your past.Laugh at how ridiculous it is in how you got here. To this place you’re at right now. All the turns and corners and awful feelings and regret and guilt and choices in the past. Besides learning from it, what other good is it going to do just hanging around there.
They are little humored up jokes that you are capable of smiling at – even when you don’t feel like it. Treat your past like an annoying and sarcastic but absolute fundamental, best friend. It after all, is something that isn’t going anywhere.
I’m actually kind of sad right now.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!
It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.
Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.
Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!
I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you. We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?
I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.
Making mistakes sucks. No one wants to get better at that.
It’s a consistent occurrence in our lives,it just doesn’t have to be a regular one.
It feels like starting all over again.
Another push from the ground. And I think that’s what life kind of is. Constantly doing that. To push push push. Keep on going even though you fail at some things.
Even though you make poor decisions and disappoint. Even though your feelings tell you you’re sad or angry.
You push past your past and make that a way of life.
Living and holding onto choices that were already made, whether made recently or long ago is a bad decision in itself.
Push past the bad that already happened, and make something good.
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
I am here.
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
I am here.
I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.
But this must be why I kept going.
I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.
I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it.