I’m in the middle of being far away. I let the sunrises and sunsets become sightless greys and blacks and I know I’m a wreck when I don’t touch eyes with fellow shoppers. We are people that have the useless power of slumbering through our days standing up.
I drive to work and I get there and think there is nothing I noticed. There is no shape of house or height of tree that I let myself acknowledge. I just pushed air with the car, pressed pedal with foot, and got there.
I don’t need to challenge myself to point out life.
I am apart of it and my brain and heart are too and if I let sunsets and rises sink under my skin, I then become everything there is to see.
Life tells me I’m beautiful, I just need to tell it
that it is beautiful too.
You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..
If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.
Take that idea and hold it in your heart. Now we’re going to inspect.
Perhaps you just miss the feelings he created within you. How he or she made you feel clever, hopeful or even better as a person. Perhaps she was a creative outlet in which you were appreciated- for your wacky brain, your confidence in creating. Maybe you don’t miss him at all but all the things he provided. Safety, stability, being cared for. Even the person you were when you were with him.
It may be that you don’t really miss who she is as a person, but rather the world of what it meant to have someone there. To connect with and share with.
Really let your heart feel out on all angles, what this miss actually is for.
Next I want you to ask yourself what of that miss, you can supply on your own.
Getting into a comfortable relationship with yourself is so incredibly important but it’s often the thing we focus on the least.
Administer the value on yourself, yourself. Take moments to actually laugh at how silly you are being or how radical you know your mind is. Validate your beautiful existence yourself. If this means making a sticker chart and rewarding each recognition with an end of the week treat? Then do so.
Fill this ‘miss’ void as much as possible. Wrap up love and give that gift to yourself over and over again.
In the end, you’ll find you are much stronger and funner then you thought you were and whatever miss you felt for a person or a place,is less- simply because you’re able to produce the feeling of being cared for, yourself.
May I remind you too, you don’t need someone else to make you better. If you like who you are when you are ‘better’, go be that without the crutch of someone else. If you can do that, your ‘better’ just got a whole lot better.
I have a blank head at the moment.
But anytime I’ve been away from the computer the past two days, I have a consistent thought.
I’m going to let force myself to slip into a careless, functioning part of stillness and float.
It’s all stories.
Everyone is one. Everything we say and do, is at least a part of one. That One is Yours.
Then we have the impacts. We’re all characters with roles we don’t even know we’re playing.
The amount we relay and to whom is a part of our character. People percieve it at all different levels, but the fact that we’re now apart of not just our one story, but theirs too, is kind of cool. Right?
You fill up your vehicle at a gas station that has really great fuel prices. Your aunt tells her friend that, and her friends son goes to that exact gas station and sees a friend that invites him out to a baseball dance party game slash whatever sounds awesome right here and he has such a great time and meets his future wife.
We are all connected.
I guess a blank mind is never actuallly blank.
I drank last night for the first time since March 11th 2016.
It was alright. I didn’t go crazy. I got real tired real quick. And at the end, I felt bad for the stupid dill pickle chips I ate.
Drinking kind of splattered my health kick everywhere. That’s a thing about drinking that I forgot.
I still feel rather drunkified.
But yuh know, sitting across from a 52 year old male who talks about his antique finds and putting my social skilling to use, was actually pretty rewarding. I reminded myself of what I was good at. It can be dangerous, but this time I know that. I know he’ll like me and want to see me again and that meeting like this, changes everything about our future encounters. I know that my skills still work and I’m more aware of them than I was when I last used them.
So anyhoozle, my night out interacting under the slight of influence was beneficial.
And that’s that!