If I broke the bubbles in the bath with a sledgehammer , I thought myself a murderer. When I break my own heart, I feel like a loser in the gutters of East Toronto. What is the difference between smashing up other peoples lives instead of your own? What makes guilt fight conscience?
What makes you live so poorly so intentionally unpotentially? You know there is more out there for you then sucking bubbles down your throat trying to drown your sorrows,
Sometimes dramatic thoughts and not thinking about the realistically or literally or common sensically, way, is fun. It’d endearing to my own self. I believe in it . For the fun. For the youthfulness. And standing on that once upon a time wizard feel, is a fantastic. I feel the confidence that comes with being proud. that’s easy to feel when you have the audience praise popping around the stage of life you’re making. And when you don’t , when you find that the spark’s been sucked up, or you cant light wet ash, you create the fire,you become the rest of the part you stumbled with. In growing older, you question whether you are being the so young so too much and you wonder about the crowd u want to attract. And once you realize the place you want to exist in for yourself, you can love that you can know the power in the relationship you make with who you are.
I’m in the middle of being far away. I let the sunrises and sunsets become sightless greys and blacks and I know I’m a wreck when I don’t touch eyes with fellow shoppers. We are people that have the useless power of slumbering through our days standing up.
I drive to work and I get there and think there is nothing I noticed. There is no shape of house or height of tree that I let myself acknowledge. I just pushed air with the car, pressed pedal with foot, and got there.
I don’t need to challenge myself to point out life.
I am apart of it and my brain and heart are too and if I let sunsets and rises sink under my skin, I then become everything there is to see.
Life tells me I’m beautiful, I just need to tell it
that it is beautiful too.
You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..
If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.
Take that idea and hold it in your heart. Now we’re going to inspect.
Perhaps you just miss the feelings he created within you. How he or she made you feel clever, hopeful or even better as a person. Perhaps she was a creative outlet in which you were appreciated- for your wacky brain, your confidence in creating. Maybe you don’t miss him at all but all the things he provided. Safety, stability, being cared for. Even the person you were when you were with him.
It may be that you don’t really miss who she is as a person, but rather the world of what it meant to have someone there. To connect with and share with.
Really let your heart feel out on all angles, what this miss actually is for.
Next I want you to ask yourself what of that miss, you can supply on your own.
Getting into a comfortable relationship with yourself is so incredibly important but it’s often the thing we focus on the least.
Administer the value on yourself, yourself. Take moments to actually laugh at how silly you are being or how radical you know your mind is. Validate your beautiful existence yourself. If this means making a sticker chart and rewarding each recognition with an end of the week treat? Then do so.
Fill this ‘miss’ void as much as possible. Wrap up love and give that gift to yourself over and over again.
In the end, you’ll find you are much stronger and funner then you thought you were and whatever miss you felt for a person or a place,is less- simply because you’re able to produce the feeling of being cared for, yourself.
May I remind you too, you don’t need someone else to make you better. If you like who you are when you are ‘better’, go be that without the crutch of someone else. If you can do that, your ‘better’ just got a whole lot better.