Self-Making

You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.

You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.

 

 

I don’t need that. 

 

You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.

You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
worth everything.
That I am needed.

 

 

 

 

But I don’t need that.

 

 

 

I don’t need it because

 
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.

I can be those things
and not just feel those things.

I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things

 

 

myself. 

 

 

Make Happy Happyn

You take the good stuff in your life that happens, you take it and when it happens, you get really happy and excited and make sure nothing can make you feel otherwise. You  explore that land of happy, and you take happy seeds and plant them and let your beads of happy sweat fall onto the soil. Let your excitement and thrill of the happy be the rays of sun and oxygen for these seeds. Breed happy. Make Happy so happy that it desires to come back. Again
and again
and again.
It’s going to love the field you grow and every time you walk through it, let the feeling of happy permeate. Acknowledge it. Let your happy babble trickle through the leafery so that every piece in your land, naturally flutters with anticipation of producing more Happy.

Soft Warm Coat of Understood

When I look into your eyes, a warm coating of understanding
suddenly wraps around me.

 

I am seeing you differently
and not because our relationship status has changed.
It drizzles down my neck, my throat.

 

I am looking at you, seeing different
because inside me,
I am a new person.
A new shape of a being.

 

 

I now look at you with strength and confidence
I am powerful because
I finally am conscious
of not only who I want to be or how I want to be,

but that the change has taken shape.

 
I am not afraid of

me

 

or you.

 

 

I know I would never do what I’ve done
to you
again.

 

 

I am a good, a better
person.

 

 

I am ready to love
my best,

 

 

my eyes
looking into yours,
the
perfect way
to

 

understand this.

 

 

Core

Oh you know…
Sometimes you just wanna

walk and see the big dark space of empty and step right into it.
To fall right into core of the planet.
Because that’s the easy.

To stack the apple cores on hangers and breach their seedy contract.

Just mean something.
Come on.

Pull up your swagger and launch your soapy mouth into the air we don’t own.
I’ve a dollar for every breath and I’m a rich soul

 
so are you,
right at your core.

 

 

To Him

Today: March First Twenty Fifteen.
Today I will start something.
I do not know if his eyes will ever see it, but I write to a man with every intention that he will one day.

It is someone I believe to be who I am supposed to be with.
Someone I believe I am supposed to marry.
We are not dating, but we have.

For a year and two months.

I met him in highschool, 12 years ago.

We were always dating or seeing other people. Kind of were in the same group sometimes. Mutual friends.
I went to a Halloween Party in 2014 and we talked one on one for one of the first times.

We started texting soon after. By February 2015, I had moved in.

These are notes to him. Words for his eyes, that I hope someday, he will see.
I am in love with him.
And he does not know that in the slightest.

Here begins my expressions and devout devotion through posts.

New Thing

You find that.
even if it’s hope,

it’s enough to make
yourself
you,
feel better.

Because it is all you.
And noone else.
It’s just you and thinking that hey,

maybe this medication
will work.

Change on the Menu

Change is on the menu.

I just need to order it.
Not just for an appetizer.
For all courses.

For the course of my life.

If anything. I need to be the chef in the kitchen:
making the change.

But similiar to food, I have never excelled in cooking.
So its a learnin as we go experience. Trial and error.

I feel there is an ingredient I rarely have used in my life.
It comes in a glass bottle and it is called Truth.

Steps=Life

I got a rush of excitement when I thought of the confidence that will be building. That I know I will have at the end of this. Believing is not just a step, it must be the spring in the steps I take.
Sometimes there are specific steps to getting to where you want to go. But I think we lose sight of the ones that should be consistent. Marriage is a good example. You don’t just take steps to get to a good marriage. You walk in it with the desire that all steps are FOR the marriage, that all are to better it.

In my process of becoming a better person, I realize that a lot of the steps I must begin to take, are ones that I must keep taking.
Dieting gets you down to a goal weight but to maintain that weight, you must make that diet a lifestyle.

So here’s to making the steps I take, steps that make my Life.

Benefits With Baby Abroad

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Having a baby away from all your friends and family, in a different country where the culture is not at all simliar than your own, is bad.
And good.
It is bad for the obvious reasons that Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents do not get to create a bond and watch him grow. It is bad that my friends don’t get to be a part of this wonderful light in my life and it is bad because I get less breaks and time for myself.
But good.
Good becomes of this because there has be to good in everything. Even if we don’t see it.
I read online about other Mothers feeling judged and getting advice flung at them in all directions in the Western countries.
Here, I get none of that stuff. I live my own life, raising my child the way I want to and I don’t feel judged even though we get stared at everytime we go out. Some are bold enough to come up and touch his hands and his feet and sometimes they even touch his face. Which is always the time I bat their hands away. In Canada, maybe there would be more personal space awareness and maybe there would be less people that actually stare.

But my realisation and joy of raising Zeek here has flourished into this field of prosperous blooms! I am understanding that even though it sucks being away from my homeland, there are so many benefits to being here.

We’ve all got our rules and our own ideas about how to raise our children. Since Thailand is a slow-paced life and people are patient and wouldn’t give dirty looks if child screams in restuarant, I feel that having my first child here, really is a positive thing.
I choose to look at it this way not just because I have to be in this situation, but because the field I’m in smells wonderful and I want to be able to plant whatever seeds are growing here, further on, in and around my life.

Capturing The Uncapturable

Sometimes we are in stand stills. Dust seems to sprinkle on the  obvious pieces. It is a slowed blur our eyes pick up on and half the  time we don’t realize it until we are out of that still. Many things end up happening in those slower moments.Stuff we know is  happening, stuff we know that has happened. But we can feel so far  from grasping it all. From truly understanding and accepting the unravelled events. And there really is nothing we can do about that  because time is going to keep ticking and things are going to keep  happening. Whether we want then to or not.

Sometimes they are the biggest events of our life. Capturing then  seems next to impossible, reguardless of the net we’re using or the  speed in which we’re running. We can feel it to. Feel the fact that what we are experiencing is beyond what we can pick apart. The details are sworn in and we look at them like we look at baby  koalas in zoos.Unreachable yet with the knowledge  of how cuddly they are.  They make you feel.

And that’s probably the most of what makes up these intangible  occurances. How much they make us feel. Feelings are a lot more difficult to draw out than what we see or even  hear..

And so on we go with our life. Yet our head is turned, our eyes  searching for some kind of light. A way to put the experiences in a  folder, to get them stalked and sorted so we are able to pull them out  years down the line and have those memories in good condition. Because in the end, those memories are what makes up life. When we  read about our Christmas four years ago or of the time we got our dog, we can almost feel what  we did during those actual moments.

To capture the happenings once they have happened. To write them out, to draw, to take photos. Anything to keep those memories alive, to keep those feelings they produced, remembered. Parts of life that are so valuable. And by keeping them close to our heart, our life may feel alittle more fufilled. The journey in getting to where we are today won’t be as hazy and unknown. We’ll have the pieces, our past that we can use to understand ourselves better.

Capture what you can in a manner best suitable to who you are and what you enjoy.