I flew around the world with a human-my son,who had only spent 4 montharoos in the worldy. Me and my 24 year old self.
I don’t know, maybe that should have sunk in and it should be considered a small feat and what some Moms do all the time.
But it was me and everytime I think about that time, I feel I was very young.
It was, and is, a giant feat for me that I feel proud about.
My son flies around my heart in his own special capsule in his own special space every single day. He’s got his own flight path and neither of us are the pilots-it’s just called love.
We fly alone together everywhere.
To the grocery store. Through dreams. Through tears.
Even when apart.
He takes the flight in my heart that is a flight that lasts forever.
And no matter how young or how old I feel,
it will always be the case-
plane and simple.
I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off. For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come. My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained. I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once. I am in shock. In unbelievability. Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle. I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving. I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world. I need to feel loved by more than just one person. Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings. But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.
Two weeks before I go.
Once Thailand hits my feet, there will be plenty of change.
Putting house on market. Possibly getting rerouted to work out of Nakon. A town in the middle of no where-which is where we started out before pregnancy entered our lives.
It is emotional these days as I feel the weight of the clock hand ticking. People I see now-it may be the last time I do.
Because it has happened before.
Our plan to move back to Canada is happening faster than we thought. And as I sit at the counter in the house I grew up in, it seems difficult for me to grasp it. Like I’m not ready to handle the move. To start the process.
But it is because I am here. In the country I am in. Two weeks left.
When I think of what living in Canada will do to us, how it will change our relationship dynamic completely… I hesitate.
Let me get through this big change first. Of leaving the ones I love behind. Of leaving the places and smells and food I love. Of leaving my attatchments and ability to speak properly. Conversations and pictures I gleam for.
Let me get through the airports and tears and weakness. Through the 18 hour hour flights and the sleepless 24.
I must build for that now. To mentally prepare so that I can do it without falling apart in the isle on the Boeing 777.
I am strong and my focus must be slowly directed there. For that is how I can do it, each and every time that I have.