Ebb and Flow

Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Again
and again.

Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.

Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.

Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.

 

 

Inside Out

Inside I’m a field. A rolling expanse of soil.
And I choose my seeds wisely. Most of the time.
Inside out, I am Choice.
Beyond the body of me, there is Weather. And whatever I choose to expose myself to, determines the growth of my seedlings.

I reach for the sunshine naturally, the warmth and the feel good feels. I reach for the butterflies and the sight of green on trees.
And as Weathers’ temperament is, sometimes it rains.
And as I am, sometimes it is not what I want to happen.
But as we know, water makes life grow.

When Weather accumulates in a corner, I may not be able to escape it’s raw and turbulent stupor. Yet I am Choice. I can create what to do with the uncontrol. I can let rain dampen my spirit, to let snow crust me over with dark solitude and way too much comfort food.

I can also choose to make blanket forts and bake with fruit. I can make an array of paper boats and float messages down to my monster truck neighbors. When I choose positive feelings my fields within are colourful, ever-blooming and ever confident. They will receive my interpretation of the unpredictable Weather and be growing in a happy environment.
And me as Choice? I’ll be feeding off of that.
Inside Out, the Beautiful Cycle.

 

 

Wind and Life

There’s something about wind: the flow of air that we cannot see but can feel, that riddles my skin to magic.

We see the leaves flutter and hear them.
And it is the unseen.

The same as such in life.

There are events, experiences, moments…essentially Time, that happens in everybodys life.
And the person is a subject of the unseen.
Wind does damage, wind does beauty, just as time does.

There is a force out there that we don’t see and it affects each one of us.

We can be the fluttering strength of a flower who won’t let go of it’s roots or the tree that crashes to the forest floor.

We get to choose how to deal with the wind of our life. 

Make Being a Habit

I am not on good behaviour. I AM it. I am not dieting with happiness. I AM it.
I have good disposition and awareness, the desire to be in a positive ball of change.
I’ll roll and I’ll roll and if I wipe out-because I often do- I have made it the habit to pick myself up and dust off the drips from my eyes,  pat my bruises and smirk a little.

I have made it automatic to have Pride walk in and hug me after each time I get up.
And thats Motivation being cool and taking my hand. Which keeps me being the ball of positive and bouncing back up and off of walls.
This is not behaving good or feeling tremendous or hoping for the best.
It is BEING good. BEING tremendous. BEING the best.

Being isn’t tempermental.
It’s a life long habit of wonderful wonderful things you get to choose.

 

Do being right.

 
You can’t go wrong.

 

Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

A Way To Handle Negative

A man named Negative. He throws himself at you wanting to craze up your innards and make ya combust into specks of nothing. Negative wants ALL of us doomed to specks! It wants to take over the world and if we let it, it will.

So here’s how we’re gonna stop it.

Let’s take self. We’re gonna build up an immune system to Mr.Neggypants and we’re gonna start with that ingrained desire to live happily. We’re not going to attack, we’re going to be slow mo human bots for a little while until we get the hang of this.
When Negative enters into our life zone, whether it has surged in and caught us off guard or  eased over the lines, we’re not going to overreact. We are going to be the slow charge that releases an air of nonchalance. We’re not going to give it the satisfaction of our shock, distaste,sadness or our fury. Cause’ that’s the stuff it feeds off of and it will eat it ALL and when it’s finished that, it will want MORE.
We are the mighty, the strong, and we’re going to prove it.

If we view Mr. Negative as a poor lost speck himself; bored and alone, a sad creature stuck in a realm of beauty, ( that’s me and you ) well, he’s a lot easier to conquer.
Show him you’ve switched the controls around to YOU.
Take THAT, Mr. Negative.

You won’t be able to stop him from popping into your life entirely so when he comes around you can say, ” Yah, I know you- but yo, you are not turning me into dust, man. ”   With your continual resilience you are building a resistance.
Eventually, your reactions get smoother, you’re more grounded in confidence and the effect of Negative becomes less negative and more…well…positive. 
Prove to yourself and to everyone around you, that your life is worth so much.
So much in fact, that letting Mr.Negative dissolve you into a speck of nothing is not even the last thing you’re going to let happen.
You’re not going to let it happen at all. 

 

And you’re positive about that.