To Love the Center

Do you ever think back to a time period with someone and can’t remember who you really were?

A few years spent together with a person and you can’t bring your imagination to recreate how you were, how you felt.

Thoughts like these make me wonder me.

If I’m to change so drastically again- as perhaps is a continual cycle- then I and the people in my life will either have to adapt together on this or be left in the past.

Present me knows that whoever I end up choosing to spend my entire life with, has to know that the Future me could potentially forget who I was. That Present me will change.
So it is important that the Present Other knows my heart and my core – and loves THOSE parts of me. Not the ones that will change so extremely.

 

Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

A Guilty Past? No Thank You.

No. I don’t need to feel guilty about my past.

He probably half meant to and half didn’t.
Make me pick up bags of guilt when I thought of my past, and carry them around with me in my days of present.

Half meant to and half not.

I have two large tote boxes-well, the regular size used for storage- full of journals,diaries,binders, notebooks— my past writings.

Going through them the other day I pulled out recognition and familiraity.
I write of insignificant happenings in my life then, that at the time were all that I could see or think about. They were the hugest particles that I made my life about.

It clicks into place as my eyes skim over words I wrote 15 years ago.
10 years ago.

Not only did I survive those stories that are in my binders, notebooks, and journals, but I created more meaningful relationships after they were over. They DID end and I was able to carry out more in depth friendships because of the individual I had become based on those trials.

Who says past has to make one feel guilty when it can be the very thing that makes the present make sense and bearable and understandable.

 

 

To Push Encourgement is to also sometimes Waver in the Unknown.

it flew.

we flew

our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth
unknowenly.
and we second guessed it
but it came back,
it always comes back
we always come back
together.

don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance
for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves
forever.
the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls,
not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold
We’re a deadly thriller purpose
all the ingrediants of a natural born cause.
a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always

even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over,
someday we

me and you
will unite in flight officially
as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky

and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides,
we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue
along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears,
filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing
raise our wings
and


we’ll fly. 

Past and Present Person

Well I don’t mean for my past to dissappear. More so-angry at myself for choosing the choices I did in it. The past is just there- I can’t blame it. It doesn’t even have a choice to be alive or not. We choose that.

We all know that the Past is a person that highly influences our being with Present.  There’s a relationship between the two, even if we don’t want it.

You get them in the same room and it births a person called Future.

Umbilical cord,blood, crushed hands and all.

Welcome to the World my little big Future.
We’re going to do Wonders.

A Present Struggle for the Future

I’ve been away from home for five days; stopping in only to grab a change of clothes and a cup of yogurt.
Life is spinning and seems a bit far away when I think about it.
And when I don’t, I’m really in it. I’m really living it. Deep into the eyes of others and the words that float from there lips and it enhances everything around me.Everything that I do not think of.

I am immersed and focused and hazed out all at once.
I am happy. But I know my happy is a forward root. I am happy because of my present surroundings and what I want to do with it in the future.

I have great plans for the future with my present, but I am not implementing choices with the present that make that future.
And that is my biggest struggle in this present.

The Day I Saw the World

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photo cred:samefeetdifferentpaths.com

I sat there for an hour and one half and I just watched people drive by and some dogs go by and people running and people going thru drive thru and the average was about five minutes through and I was always usually pretty shy of adults and now even though they are still adult to me, they are less old. I am closer to there age and they are closer to mine and men that have white hair are actually people that like young and funny and are okay with being with someone that is half their age because of it.
Thailand told me this.
Thailand told me that 65 year old big gutted men still want sex. It told me that 80 year olds will pay to have 20 year olds escort them around and it told me that even those men can fall in love and believe in every good darn minute of it.
Call me naive or sheltered or what you will, but I didn’t know any of that existed. Men are still attracted to woman at an age I thought was only meant for sitting on benches sipping newspapers and reading coffee.

And so as I sat there I thought about their lives outside of Tim Hortons’ parking lot. What they would be going home to and whether or not they were happy. I thought about being in their life and how I would change to have them like me and how I would find that easy to do. I thought about how I could be paid well in Thailand, to be that girl that is with the older men and how eventually I won’t have the looks or the body to be desired and how eventually this time in my life will be something I long for. Rather than scare me, it made me more determined not to eat another cookie, to keep my hair long before it becomes a pain and to keep my alertness in life on top of all things.

My conversation and cues and what others say or do are all things I am aware of and I often wonder where it comes from. The things which impact me and things I notice, are things that the next person does not. And the things I am slow at deciding or quick at forgetting, are things that the next person does the opposite of.It all comes from somewhere and I often wonder where and sitting on the lawn yesterday while the sun shined its way into all the living things, I figured out where.

It is not a very surprising place. It is not unusual or hard to understand.
It is simple because that is the way we are capable of making anything.
And if we are capable of making things simple, we are also capable of complicating them. Which is why it has taken so long for me to conclude that living is where it comes from.

Living is Time and Time has the ability to fill up with anything. It fills up with presents that eventually turn into pasts’ and pasts’ are memories that make up people whether they are remembered or not. That is where the things that impact me the way they do, come from. That is where the things that make you laugh or make you cry come from. And they won’t all be different from mine or the same and you can bet that living isn’t all where it comes from.
Parents of you and I have genetics and we are given them too and they are really the root of it and we are just the branches, swaying or not swaying, being leafy or unleafy.

I don’t see everything but yesterday for a few hours, that is how I saw the world.

Rocketing to the Past

I have photos dating back to 2003 on my harddrive. And I am going through them. And my heart is aching. Actually aching. It hurts. So many memories. So many beautiful ones. It is almost astounding. These pictures of the pieces of my life. They flash in and out so vividly. Like I am reliving. This is what my past was like. I want to cry. I am in love with every single one. Pictures that are blurry, that are from the old film. Film you handed over to Walmart staff in a plastic little capsule. And an envelope of photos you would pick up an hour later in return. These feelings knock me off the earth a bit.
I am in love with my past but I wasn’t while it was my present.
Is that going to happen when I look back on these days I am living right now?

Phases and Stages of Life

I remember wanting to wear baggy tom-boy clothes and trucker hats.
I remember I loved my black Nikes, and eventually my second pair of skate shoes- which were also black. Those were my high school days.

I hated pink and it used to be a battle between my mom and I, every time she tried to get me into a frilly pink outfit.

Until one day.
That day that I was purchasing lacy tops myself and matching them to pink accessories.
The beginning days where I realised I looked and felt good in this stuff and wanted boys to be attracted to me. ( not that this is the only way they would be)

Heels began to excite me. I felt powerful in them.
I didn’t wear revealing tops, but instead maintained a fashion that I felt confident and sexy in.

With the change of country, came a different patch of clothing. I started out wearing summer dresses. Until I started going to the bars. Then I wore bar outfits, tight light fabric. Eight bucks a pop. They lasted maybe only four or five times out but that didn’t matter.

Pregnancy started and I wore loose fitting tops to hide the bulge that could not yet be considered a baby bump.

Baggy tank top!

Baggy tank top!

Something clicked about half way thru pregnancy and I felt I needed to show off what I had. Long slender, hip hugging material I wore. Tank tops and shorts with my belly bands. I wasn’t doing up my shorts half the time but it’s why I had ordered the bands. Came in handy.

Tighter fitting!

Tighter fitting!

I gave a lot of my clothes away after I gave birth. Not that they didn’t fit me, I just wanted an entirely new style. I went for skinny jeans and tight shorts. Tops that were baggy and three quarter length sleeves but exposed a bit of tummy. I had returned to my pre pregnancy weight within two weeks and I wanted to wear clothes that showed off my belly! For the first time in my life I was consciously proud of my body.

I want to correlate the styles of clothing and the choices we wear, with phases and stages. Just like in music. When we think back to when we listened to Simon and Garfunkel or Dave Matthews Band, there is a period in life we come to. Whether it was when we were dating that guy or gal, or when we were moving from one house to another. Music brings us back to places.As does clothing. And the first cars we own. And the second houses. And our last job. There are stages in life and it’s not usually until we are out of them, that we realise, hey- they were a fun and important time in our life. Our attachments to our past can be anything and I understand that not everyone is sentimental.. but you can at least acknowledge that the key ring you’ve had for three years has some meaning behind it.

Attachment to phases can be dangerous.
For when everything we see or does reminds us of some part of our past, the present gets a bit overshadowed and neglected. One day the clothes you are wearing now will represent this part of life you are going through. Whether you are 21 or 45. So let’s respect the things in our life. Everything.Because they all make it what it is and one day you will be looking back on these days and realising that the v-neck you wore did not match your leopard print pants no matter WHAT you thought, or the incredibly tight pants looked ridiculous and made your butt look twice the size.

Phases are just that. Phases. We need to acknowledge them as part of the past, as part of something that got us where we are today. So then we can fully live in this present and respect it, knowing it too, will be a phase of our life.

( I did just realise that all three photos in this post, are with me wearing stripes. Guess some phases never end ;P )

Don’t Forget Your Partner

It’s a rare morning I wake up to. With baby sleeping, time awake, and my brain right in that location of goodness for writing. Marvelous spot.
Even though I begin this post without much knowledge as to what it will be filled with, I know that I want to write and that I want to post.

I am here in Canada with my boyfriend and I have realized that I have neglected him over the weeks that we have been here. My family has undergone some major changes and upheavel, we’ve went out and I’ve introduced him to my family and friends..all with a new baby in our arms.

It’s very different. In Thailand its just him and I. And Zeek. We don’t have many friends there, so we are throwing time in for each other, watching it whirl its cycle and loving it. Loving the focus. The focus that is deprived here.

I am here for a limited time.
But that doesn’t justify my neglect with my partner.
I see my parents in me. Walking around each other under the same roof. But not ever any real passion or questions on how the day was or what they did.
I see them in me and it scares myself to bits.

My boyfriend is quite the opposite and talks everything over and asks me how I am when we’re out and makes sure I am comfortable and happy. Since here I realized that I could be the cause of that dwindle. If I don’t give back, if I make him feel very distant from me, why would he want to continue asking after me?
I understand there is a selfless state that comes with any relationship and love. But in this situation I see that I have not been fair and have almost pushed him aside even though he is one of the most important people in my life.

No matter the limited time, no matter how busy or how tired, it is so very very important to make the effort and connect with your loved one.
Do it consciously for a certain length of time and before you know it, you’ll be doing it without thought.