The Inbetween is Real

All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.

I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.

But not.

You see?

I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.

In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.

You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.

You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.

You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except

you can change little particles of it.
You can,
but you don’t want to.

Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.

Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable. 

 

You see?

It all makes sense.

NonReal Classy

I move the three inch bottle from my purse to my left open sleeve.
I am sitting beside my younger brother who is sitting beside my father who is sitting beside his mom-my 85 year old grandmother- who doesn’t know who we are.

I am in church.

And I take my wrist and i scratch my neck and ¬†Idon’t really care how obvious it is. I want it. So I drink a shot of whatever is in the bottle: vodka,rum,spiced something black licorcie?
I am seeing my fathers brother-my 58 year old Uncle- on the pulpit. But I do not hear what he is saying.
I am thinking about my parents attic. And the entrance to it in my mothers room. ( because my parents sleep in seperate rooms )

I am thinking about how
I mixed vodka with wine earlier.Because I was desperate for potency.

Look at all these ‘I’s. All about me eh. I’ve always been a selfish person. Prooved that in every fricken relationship I ever had.
It’s terrible really .

And I think too,
eventually
I will stop caring about the dynamic between my son and my mother.
Let it be votile. Let he be raised wrong. Let it be out of my hands. It will never change from what it is. She will not change. She is 61.

She is raising him like she raised us.
And we’re all sucks and let her do the dishes and drive us places and she bends like a grass blade in 0 mile an hour wind.

I won’t fight, eventually.
I really won’t .

 

Ohoh!

 

 

Steps=Life

I got a rush of excitement when I thought of the confidence that will be building. That I know I will have at the end of this. Believing is not just a step, it must be the spring in the steps I take.
Sometimes there are specific steps to getting to where you want to go. But I think we lose sight of the ones that should be consistent. Marriage is a good example. You don’t just take steps to get to a good marriage. You walk in it with the desire that all steps are FOR the marriage, that all are to better it.

In my process of becoming a better person, I realize that a lot of the steps I must begin to take, are ones that I must keep taking.
Dieting gets you down to a goal weight but to maintain that weight, you must make that diet a lifestyle.

So here’s to making the steps I take, steps that make my Life.