I want my life a certain way. I can’t just WAIT for that to happen to me. That was my childhood. That is what is not going to happen now. I have to make the changes myself. Why is it so difficult???
No. I don’t need to feel guilty about my past.
He probably half meant to and half didn’t.
Make me pick up bags of guilt when I thought of my past, and carry them around with me in my days of present.
Half meant to and half not.
I have two large tote boxes-well, the regular size used for storage- full of journals,diaries,binders, notebooks— my past writings.
Going through them the other day I pulled out recognition and familiraity.
I write of insignificant happenings in my life then, that at the time were all that I could see or think about. They were the hugest particles that I made my life about.
It clicks into place as my eyes skim over words I wrote 15 years ago.
10 years ago.
Not only did I survive those stories that are in my binders, notebooks, and journals, but I created more meaningful relationships after they were over. They DID end and I was able to carry out more in depth friendships because of the individual I had become based on those trials.
Who says past has to make one feel guilty when it can be the very thing that makes the present make sense and bearable and understandable.
How does one mess up so bad?
Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.
And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?
Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.
This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?
I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.
Why haven’t I?
Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?
I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.
How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.
Where is MY heart?
What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.
Things have been going a lot better.
Somewhere in there my husband went to being crazy nice and patient and that’s resulted in me being less stressed and more happy.
Now that it’s happened it’s like, ‘oh yes, of course this is the change we needed to make!’. If you have different issues but are dealing with them always the same and they aren’t getting any better, then you should probably change how you are dealing with them. The approach makes a big difference. If you talk about it so much that it points out other areas that weren’t even an issue in the first place, that’s a problem. Specially if it happens every single time. I felt that every time we got into an arguement, I knew it was going to end in us still being upset, at something likely different then what started it. The more gentle approach seems to be working. We are happier all around and I am spending more one on one time with Zeek and he can sense it to.