Making mistakes sucks. No one wants to get better at that.
It’s a consistent occurrence in our lives,it just doesn’t have to be a regular one.
It feels like starting all over again.
Another push from the ground. And I think that’s what life kind of is. Constantly doing that. To push push push. Keep on going even though you fail at some things.
Even though you make poor decisions and disappoint. Even though your feelings tell you you’re sad or angry.
You push past your past and make that a way of life.
Living and holding onto choices that were already made, whether made recently or long ago is a bad decision in itself.
Push past the bad that already happened, and make something good.
I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.
The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.
Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”
This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.
Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.
I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.
Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.
And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?
Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.
This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?
I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.
Why haven’t I?
Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?
I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.
How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.