How does one mess up so bad?
Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.
And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?
Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.
This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?
I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.
Why haven’t I?
Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?
I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.
How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.
Where is MY heart?
What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.