If we discontinued our lashing out at people and slow motioned our time with our reactions, I think we’d find a lot less irritable of a person inside of us.
I get that reactions are initial. They’re quite beautiful in that respect. Your response is beautiful in just the opposite way. You DO have time.
It’s like feeding the heart celery. As you make the decisions to respond after letting yourself think, you gain the creation of a possible habit and lose 6 pounds of ego centered mud.
Half the time do we even want to respond wearing a coat of anger?
Shedding that will take time and practice but we’ll feel a lot lighter and have less resistance towards people around us.
Besides, after a situation in reacting poorly, how many times does it return to a safe, comfortable place again?
So just skip the part where you insult others and just be collected and calm to begin with. That will generate enough good loving warmth that makes wearing the damn coat severely impractical.
No wonder people say, ” I’ll be there in 10 minutes!” when they really know it’s more like 20. No wonder we curve the truth just a tiny tad bit so that the other beams at the response. It’s easy to. It feels a heck of a whole lot better then saying the truth and getting a reaction that makes them-and then yourself- disappointed.
No wonder people opt to say nothing, instead of the truth.
We have gotten worse at handling the truth and so we’ve got better at lying.
We’re kind of like babies. We’re a lot more sensitive then we were, can’t cope as well as we once did and when Parent says, ” Please put your shirt and shoes on “, we scream a lot louder.
Pleasing people. A lot of us do it. And it’s no wonder.
Being defeated by our own choice of vulnerable exposure is tiring. Draining. And hurts.
I suggest we watch for the reactions that will hinder peoples’ openness. When we react agressively or with silence, we’re only doing no one a favour. Appreciating and vocalising value for the choice of telling makes it easier for that person to tell you more things. In turn it makes for a closer, stronger relationship.
I knew he liked me. I knew his eyes were on me as I sat, conversing with another. I knew the lines out of my mouth sputtered up his brain wave lengths. I could tell by the surprise gleam that coated his eyes the instant my line was out. I knew in his reactions, he was intrigued.
I kept my distance.
But it was a feeling I recognized. This is what I used to catapult for. I could live off of this feeling. I do not think I am complex. But I am creative.
At least in one category or another.
As I have got older, I meet more people that have more experience. Like me.Less surprises them. As children we go so much with the flow because we do not know what to believe, what to understand or trust and growing makes us more aware. We are not surprised at much. Then we reach that bubble of our personality that determines what we are surprised at. And it diminishes over time because we become accustomed to it.
I don’t live for that intrigue anymore. For those reactions.
I think that’s part of the reason why I’m shuffling around. I think I thought that was my purpose. At least something that I knew made me happy. But in the end it isn’t sustainable happiness. I can’t interest everybody at the rate I would like while dating someone. I think that was a difficult pill to swallow.
But it is good, very good, to have come to that conclusion.
Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.
And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?
Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.
This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?
I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.
Why haven’t I?
Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?
I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.
How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.
I don’t feel I am a very sympathetic person.
I call it Life.
And the answer…?
To deal accordenly, appropriately.
That is likely thought of differently by different people in the same situation, but it still carries some fundelmentals.
We are going to get stressed and scared. We are going to have ‘noone to talk to’. We are going to feel that we have no space in our brain or our hearts; that we are a flopped mess with no direction. There will be times we will feel so down and upset with ourselves that the only way to walk through the grocery store is zombie style. But how we deal with all of those emotions, how we initially react and our long term feelings on the issues, are choices that we can control. That we can improve.
And when we are better at dealing with life, we are a better person.
And when we are a better person, we have a better life.