Looking Back at Old Happies

You realize new things all the time. Sometimes you ignore them. Sometimes you can’t.
Sometimes deeper inflection means more new things.
I used to be a giggle, life loving, small things make me laugh loud, person.
It got crumpled over the years and now, looking back I tend to feel sad at the loss of that characteristic of me.
But as it turns out,
I am in charge of my self.
I really can promote that type of easy happy. Just by changing some brain thoughts.
I realize that over time I have gotten more conscious of my little springy happiness and thought it to be childish. But now I know that those are the things that do make me happy and without them, I lose a big chunk of self. And losing a good part of self, is a sadness.
I dont’ feel 27. I still feel 20. And that is where the imbalance comes from.
I shouldn’t care about what others thnk anymore. Because it’s wrecking my life.

So I shall now walk into my days with a silliness, a goofiness that I’ve tucked away in trenches. Because that’s the kind of happiness I am good at creating and being around. That’s the me that I need to live.

The Day I Saw the World

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photo cred:samefeetdifferentpaths.com

I sat there for an hour and one half and I just watched people drive by and some dogs go by and people running and people going thru drive thru and the average was about five minutes through and I was always usually pretty shy of adults and now even though they are still adult to me, they are less old. I am closer to there age and they are closer to mine and men that have white hair are actually people that like young and funny and are okay with being with someone that is half their age because of it.
Thailand told me this.
Thailand told me that 65 year old big gutted men still want sex. It told me that 80 year olds will pay to have 20 year olds escort them around and it told me that even those men can fall in love and believe in every good darn minute of it.
Call me naive or sheltered or what you will, but I didn’t know any of that existed. Men are still attracted to woman at an age I thought was only meant for sitting on benches sipping newspapers and reading coffee.

And so as I sat there I thought about their lives outside of Tim Hortons’ parking lot. What they would be going home to and whether or not they were happy. I thought about being in their life and how I would change to have them like me and how I would find that easy to do. I thought about how I could be paid well in Thailand, to be that girl that is with the older men and how eventually I won’t have the looks or the body to be desired and how eventually this time in my life will be something I long for. Rather than scare me, it made me more determined not to eat another cookie, to keep my hair long before it becomes a pain and to keep my alertness in life on top of all things.

My conversation and cues and what others say or do are all things I am aware of and I often wonder where it comes from. The things which impact me and things I notice, are things that the next person does not. And the things I am slow at deciding or quick at forgetting, are things that the next person does the opposite of.It all comes from somewhere and I often wonder where and sitting on the lawn yesterday while the sun shined its way into all the living things, I figured out where.

It is not a very surprising place. It is not unusual or hard to understand.
It is simple because that is the way we are capable of making anything.
And if we are capable of making things simple, we are also capable of complicating them. Which is why it has taken so long for me to conclude that living is where it comes from.

Living is Time and Time has the ability to fill up with anything. It fills up with presents that eventually turn into pasts’ and pasts’ are memories that make up people whether they are remembered or not. That is where the things that impact me the way they do, come from. That is where the things that make you laugh or make you cry come from. And they won’t all be different from mine or the same and you can bet that living isn’t all where it comes from.
Parents of you and I have genetics and we are given them too and they are really the root of it and we are just the branches, swaying or not swaying, being leafy or unleafy.

I don’t see everything but yesterday for a few hours, that is how I saw the world.

The Time Ticks and Love Grows

I just need to write this morning.
My time is speeding a long here in Ontario, even though I know I have quite a lot more left before we go back.
When I am here I can feel the part about living my own life, quite easily.
I do have the support but it actually widens the distance.
Because I know my baby like they never will and I know my life in Thailand like they don’t and they continue with their life here because that’s what they’re supposed to do and we are just the visitors, stepping in for a moment and taking a look around.
And I am slowly seeing that if we were to live here it might not necessairly make it easier for me. It’s making me aware of how much time I actually do spend with my son.
When they only take him for a few hours at a time, when they only spend a few minutes on the floor with him.. that is when I understand they only deal with snipits.
And it is what being a mother is. Your life gets transferred to another one.
I guess I am a bit dissapointed that my Mom isn’t pulling as much as I thought she would. That my brother isn’t interacting with Zeek as much as I envisioned.
It helps me to realize that living away from them all in Thailand, is an okay thing.
It helps me to see that my life really is over there and that being away from everyone, isn’t entirely a bad thing.
My love that is over there, is sturdy and unwavering. And each time I am without him, I get pulled back into the smart shoes, recognizing that what I have for him, is more than what I can express.
‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’