A Little While

And so it is, with anyone in our lives that stay awhile and go, take something- even if so minuscule. And sometimes when we love them- or even if we don’t- we can hope they took the good. And even if they took the bad, that they will somehow do good with it- if even it is only to understand it.
To be better, having stayed awhile in our life.

And in the End…

You’re the type to leave me speechless while I’m bursting at the seams to speak
The one that’s got me wrapped around my own beating heart.
I’ll gently breath into your soul, while you aggressively reach for mine
And we’ll dance this song to the end so that the start is what we’ll find.

 

So Here’s How It Works?

27 years old and basically single. I say basically because I’m still hung up on my ex and want no one else. It’s like I’m still dating him in my heart and thoughts.
But the men can’t see that when they look at me. It’s not like I’m wearing a ring on that finger. ( And if I were, does it matter much these days? )

Anyhow,
most my age tend to be in a serious relationship, ( married, engaged,dating 4 years ) have a child, living away from their parents..
I’ve noticed this not with the lack of, but with the  LOT OF — older men stepping into my space.

40 to 50 year olds’ who have a child or two, divorced or in the process, alone.
They recognize that I’m older than 17 and carry myself confidently.
I think they can tell I’m open. That talking to them doesn’t weird me out.

So when Guy stops by my co workers place to ask about me and another Guy comes in on Mothers Day to bring me flowers, it kind of hits me that I’m attracting the older because all the ones my age are with someone and that marriages or long term relationships end before one is 40 and then that person struggles to find a woman that is single and the same age and….?

At least, that’s how it works in my life right now.

 

Any of you girls have the same issues?

 

 

This is what You think.

You think I’m out with people.

Late at night I dance with beer sloshing out of my bottle
and straws flicking out of my thin, bending cup.

I’m busy on my phone
collecting up all the people I dropped in the past year.
I’m meeting people left right and center, going to the movies and having dinner by the lake.
You think I’m doing that
and not laying on the basement carpet staring at the water stains on the ceiling.
You think I’m blasting through this like it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done
but I’m here
I’m flipping right here
in the square middle of my bed under my covers with new tears running over the dried tears
with no desire to see or talk to any soul but you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fack.

I hate that you think I’m not doing what I am.

 

Finally, Now I know

I was looking back on old typings of mine on my external hardrive. We’re going back to 2007?  My mouth dropped at a certain one.

I was telling myself that I didn’t know what it was like to love. That I just wanted to feel a heartbreak, to truly know that I was loving.
I continued on expressing how I had always been the one that broke up with whoever I was with at the time. And that by being loved so much by these individuals, I abused it. It meant less to me because I didn’t understand it. And I always had it.
I begged to feel heartbroken.

And now?

After 27 years of living,
I know what it’s like to have my heart busted.

 

 

Life, I Choose You

You know that quote that goes something like this,: ‘ Don’t take life seriously, no one ever gets out alive anyways’.
How many times do you hear something but you don’t really understand it or believe it?
Well now, I finally get that statement.

I guess my crumple was not the idea of whether to live or die, but figuring out that I wouldn’t end my life. That I couldn’t do it.
So when I came to that conclusion I thought, well if I’m gonna be here, I’d be a little worthless big shit if I’m gonna make it miserable. And then I thought, Well, is it that easy, to make it fun and happy and create a life like that of when I was younger. That felt full of.. life?

And I thought long and hard. I was conflicted. I mean, life was always easy to me. Even the times I went through break ups or sad times, I was back up on my feet running. I was resilient because I had attention and people that I distracted myself with.

But then it covered me in a paste. Simple,rugged facts.

No, life is not easy.
I looked down on my brothers for taking medication to make them feel better about living.  Life is easy and fun. See?  Look at me?

And then,
I’m the one falling. I’m trying to get ground and I’m only slipping and falling down again and screaming at myself to a wall and hating and regretting my decisions and sad all over again because I was the one that was screaming at the wall

because of ME.

And I thought after my lungs were scratched and crisp, that if i could produce that much agony over the past that couldn’t be tampered with now, I could be that beautifully vengeful for my future that had yet to exist. That if i had the power to be that upset over my life thus far, I could be that happy for a life to come.

I may not have the attention I used to have. I may not have the people, the events, the three day weekends of drinking Vex and playing video games with my closest.. but I have love and life. I have choice. I have the power to become who I want to be, every single day. Being sad isn’t going to get me anywhere I want to go. Being sorry for my sadness doesn’t get me anything except a life not lived. I’m not 19 and I can’t go back to that. I refuse to want to anymore. Life is now. With me.

You don’t figure life out, it figures you out.
You don’t try and find life, you create it.

You don’t let life fucking kill you- because it will if you let it- you let life be like, ‘ hey now, there’s a fucking liver of beautiful.’

 

 

 

Questioning ME

How does one mess up so bad?

Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.

And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?

Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.

This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?

I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.

Why haven’t I?

Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?

I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.

How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.

Where is MY heart?

What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.