I don’t recall experiencing such highs and such lows, one after the other, in all my life.
Soaring for days, for weeks even, and then plummeting in an instant. Finding self in the dark caves of insecurity with self abosrbed and self hating rocks in all the tunnels.
How the hell did I get here?
I’m stretching out my arms, with my fingertips trembling for any sort of sense.
But the thing is, it all does. It makes sense why I’m here, how I’m here and why I feel the way I do. Well, that part gets me a bit confused. I’m not really sure why I reach very low points. Other then the reason I’m going through a divorce and I’m terrified about what happens to my child in the future. Sort of a lack of control. Future does have you behind the controls to some extent and even though I still do-I can afterall, control my behaviour, my actions and try and steer my feelings accordenly- it feels that all of a sudden life has dropped the drive to go forward and I’m coasting towards a giant brick wall.
My desire to see friends wanes. I know they’ll make me happy but when I reach low, it’s hard to even want to be happy. Self Pity. Oh what a deadly thing.
I have to think about the correlation between my Abroad flashes and my current life.
I have started to get them and sometimes they are very intense.
It is not exactly miss for the country, but there are moments in those memories that fling me to the kitchen floor in ache.
Perhaps it is that life I lived, dripping out of me. Like an open Pepsi bottle and its fizz, carbonation floating up and out. Leaving the pop, flat.
And I feel slightly like I am being emptied.
That my senses for that place, the language and the smells, the sights and the people, they are slowly leaving my brain box.
I am not scared for that.
But it is a bit scary.
Going through my Journal of 2013 and my stomach feels like its rolling over into inside out and so I pick up the phone and I leave a message for a therapist and say I want to book an appointment or session or what the hex did I say? I don’t know but I know my gut is nervous and I think, ‘ if i’m like this to a telephone, what’s it gonna be like when we’re face to face? ‘ but it doesn’t really matter because underneath all these crazed and scared feels, there’s a calm.
My mom texted me before I left for her party on Saturday. ‘Jen. Can you come up here. ‘
I went up to find her in bed in pjs with her makeup and hair all done up. Laying down against the mauve of her pillow and she looked so pretty.
“If you need something to wear I have dresses in the other closet you could wear. I haven’t worn them yet”.
” Ok thanks.
And I start to leave the room.
” oh and
I’m really nervous.”
She’s wringing her hands together.
She continues on:
” Should I have a glass of wine?
Will you come up with me if I have to say a thank you speech?
Can Zeek sit with me to blow out the candles?
Do you have any wine? Will you bring it up?’
There’s frantic and panic in her voice and she looked so beautiful in fear. I felt a glimmer of sorry for her. In what she must be feeling.
And that, she can look so together, and reveal and be so vulnerable. Like she was a little girl all over again.
She let her guard down so I could walk in and see her that way.
I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?