I am Here!!

Friends,
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
and now
I am here.

Friends,
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
and now
I am here.

I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.

But this must be why I kept going.

I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.

I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it. 

 

 

Back To Thailand

Let’s take a look back to the place I lived in for five years. Pattaya,Thailand.
It changed me.
As  moving anywhere does.

Pattaya is a city of tourists,prostitutes,murders,drugs,wires,signs and deceit.

That basically sums up the negative.
But I am not such a cynical person that I find no positive of anything.

Fruit is wonderful, markets, 24hour 711’s almost within 4 minutes of anywhere.
Beautiful. Cheap clothes.
Weather.Beaches.

And there’s people that will drive you home so drunk you don’t even know where home is and they call your mom from you iphone asking and taking no money from purse and delivering.
Once in a lifetime that happens.

There’s also the time where you almost get raped by a so called friend and you set it up cause you went there alone in the dark and it waas in the middle of nothing but  a pack of dogs so when you scream and bolt and run and run and have dogs chasing and you’re whipping stones at them and hoping hoping hoping you won’t feel their teeth on your leg, well that’s life there too.

I haven’t had many scary expeirences there. That I felt. Save for that one. So in five years, i think that’s doing pretty good. I mean, i putmyself in dangerous spots all the time. I truly did. I ate noodles in a stairwell at three am for 2 months straight on the weekends.

I bruised with reality. I tested it. I got so drunk i was shoeless in a massive downpour, water rushing down streets and alone and white wearing me , brother searching, me just drunk drunk drunk.

I like to believe that my non touristy brain, saved me.
That I could smell danger, I avoided. That I thought like them. That my knowlede of the city, the people, helped me. I was able to manevouer around people. My expertise at people, at Thai’s really came into play and I belive that the reason for my safety.

No matter what they say.

Cause they lie like they need the money.
And most of them do.

 

Finding Independence in Scary

I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.

Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.

Making Good from ‘ Bad ‘

I write differently to different people because everyone is different and people need to hear things differently or read them written that way instead of the other way and each way makes you pick up snatches that aren’t the same.
People make me figure stuff out about myself.
I only have my own self reflection here in Thailand so going to Canada and being exposed to mirrors that talk back is incredible. It makes me feel more like a person instead of a shell and it is scary to think that I may think of myself as a shell in Thailand and only that. But there is so much to feel in Canada. So much to give and so much to take and I have to stay sensible and realize that it is only because my time has been limited each and everytime I have went back,for the past four years. It affects these things so much so, that breaking down isn’t so much of a surprise. Because these are the life sized things. For me. These are the things that pinch my heart and stagger my thoughts and wind my ideas so that they go walking across the carpets on missions to unknown destinations.
That is me dealing.
There are always many tears when I say goodbye in Canada and I am always trying my best not to drown in them. Being conscious of it. It is good to feel that way even though it is hurting.
If I felt none of this, could I really sense the better in the good? If I had nothing to compare. Nothing extreme to relate it to, then the good wouldn’t be so good and the value would be non-existent.