Easy and Difficult

How easy it is to talk about what is needed in a relationship.
How easy it is to think about all the ways you will be in one. How great and connective and communicative you will be.
You know how good you would be.
Understanding, slow to respond, listen attentively. So many qualities you have for a relationship!

And then you get in one.

And you are not at all what you want to be.
You recognize the selfish parts of you. You’re far too distant and lacking.
How is this so?

How difficult it is to be consistent with a behaviour that is not yet a habit.
How difficult to make it natural, to push yourself to be comfortable with discomfort.
How uneasy to have those conversations that are needed.

How easy to think, how difficult to act.

 

Euphoric Sheet

I once was a sheet of euphoria.
On my tip toes looking into your deep.
I danced in your kitchen as you watched me,
taking off my clothes for you to keep. 

You couldn’t take your eyes off me.
We were set in our own age.
You and I both surging for one another
both the key to our intangible cage.

The power was in everything I did or said
and it took the night to that perfectionist heat,
where you took my hand so slowly
and laid me down on that euphoric sheet.

 

Inside Out

Inside I’m a field. A rolling expanse of soil.
And I choose my seeds wisely. Most of the time.
Inside out, I am Choice.
Beyond the body of me, there is Weather. And whatever I choose to expose myself to, determines the growth of my seedlings.

I reach for the sunshine naturally, the warmth and the feel good feels. I reach for the butterflies and the sight of green on trees.
And as Weathers’ temperament is, sometimes it rains.
And as I am, sometimes it is not what I want to happen.
But as we know, water makes life grow.

When Weather accumulates in a corner, I may not be able to escape it’s raw and turbulent stupor. Yet I am Choice. I can create what to do with the uncontrol. I can let rain dampen my spirit, to let snow crust me over with dark solitude and way too much comfort food.

I can also choose to make blanket forts and bake with fruit. I can make an array of paper boats and float messages down to my monster truck neighbors. When I choose positive feelings my fields within are colourful, ever-blooming and ever confident. They will receive my interpretation of the unpredictable Weather and be growing in a happy environment.
And me as Choice? I’ll be feeding off of that.
Inside Out, the Beautiful Cycle.

 

 

Soft Warm Coat of Understood

When I look into your eyes, a warm coating of understanding
suddenly wraps around me.

 

I am seeing you differently
and not because our relationship status has changed.
It drizzles down my neck, my throat.

 

I am looking at you, seeing different
because inside me,
I am a new person.
A new shape of a being.

 

 

I now look at you with strength and confidence
I am powerful because
I finally am conscious
of not only who I want to be or how I want to be,

but that the change has taken shape.

 
I am not afraid of

me

 

or you.

 

 

I know I would never do what I’ve done
to you
again.

 

 

I am a good, a better
person.

 

 

I am ready to love
my best,

 

 

my eyes
looking into yours,
the
perfect way
to

 

understand this.

 

 

Changing Self

When you get in tune with who you want to be and who you are

you are more confident in yourself.

Talking and doing and BEING, is not so scary.

I’ve figured out some things about myself and I’ve decided on a few things, and since I’ve been in solitude for awhile now, I have the desire to go out and make choices to have my new being, brought active. To see it in live.

I don’t need other peoples attention or validation on my new self, it’s more so for me.To proove to me.

I get stuck in the place of this being right or wrong.

Should I just relish in the fact I’ve changed and I know it?
I don’t need others to tell me who I am. Right?

Core

Oh you know…
Sometimes you just wanna

walk and see the big dark space of empty and step right into it.
To fall right into core of the planet.
Because that’s the easy.

To stack the apple cores on hangers and breach their seedy contract.

Just mean something.
Come on.

Pull up your swagger and launch your soapy mouth into the air we don’t own.
I’ve a dollar for every breath and I’m a rich soul

 
so are you,
right at your core.

 

 

Here’s why Losing is Okay

If I lost my temper, I wouldn’t be so sad. I wouldn’t even go look for it again.
I’d say, ‘Hey, Good riddance and good day! ‘

If I lost my momentum, I wouldn’t sit down and crouch my feet under my bum looking skyward as if the sight of the blowing clouds would help me move forward. I’d take off my snowboard,I’d put the weights down, and I’d walk to the next hill, I’d step on the next machine. And push my weight forward. I’d move.

If I lost a race, I would try harder the next time around. I wouldn’t get to the finish line and keep running, trying to find the race I just ran.

If I lost my mind,
I wouldn’t speed up on drugs trying to lose it more. I’d say, ‘ Let your mind get lost every once and awhile, and don’t in the least, try and find it’.
Because losing is sometimes the backwards way of winning.

Losing makes us stronger and try harder.
Losing may make us confused and may make us want to put on our headlights and search for the lost.

But losing is just another part of life.

Even if it is losing life.

If I lost my self in oblivion, I wouldn’t try and climb out.
I’d let myself float in that unknown.

If I lost my breath at an event, at a speech, at a friends words,
I woudn’t even try and find it.
I’d let it be lost in the air.
It’s like losing in it’s greatest form.
You FEEL.

You feel that feeling. And you know it’s big.

If I lost my voice, I’d let it come back to me.

If I lost my writings, I’d just write more.

If i lost my hope, I’d find another way to hope.

If I lost you, I wouldn’t try and find another you.
Losing you is like learning love.

And love is only lost,
when it is supposed to be lost.

 

 

 

It’s smart like that.

Having Anyone or Anything- Is that Happy?

I’m going to sound conceited, full of myself and empty of humbleness. But these are a few facts from my thinkings.

I could be with any guy.
Any guy I’ve wanted, I’ve had. ( I consider celebrities non obtainable )
I have not had my heart broken, but I have broke many.
When you have a selection of an empire, your happiness seems more difficult to find.
Just like rich people. When you can purchase anything you’d like, the level of contentment stretches beyond what you can actually reach.
There is a statistic that notes of an annual salary above a certain amount. People that make above this number, are usually unhappy.

Which guy will make me the happiest?
I don’t discard them like scraps of metal, but it makes it easier to move on, knowing I’m able to jump on the Relation Ship again. Thing is, I’m always jumping on it with a life jacket around myself. I haven’t ever fully given myself to anyone because I’ve only wanted to feel the waves out.
And you can’t do that expecting to get to a shore of ‘for better or worse’ or ‘for forever’.

I’ve wanted to reach that shore, and believed entirely that I was capable of and willing to with each of my past partners.
But I was not.
You can’t be in a ship with water wings on, a life belt, or while clutching flippers. That’s like having one leg in the water and one leg on the boats’ platform. Like having half your heart with one person, and the other half floating on tree branches or bottles, searching to see if you’ll see anything else float by that looks better.
On the sea I’ve launched myself in, I’ll be 50 with 4 kids from three fathers,sitting on a crappy piece of styrofoam.
At the rate rich people spend and respend and change out for the newest models,they’ll be found in there luxery suite with a bottle of pills next to their dead body.

So where does the issue hide itself.

To my belief, it wraps around our lungs and our soul and coats our spirit with misunderstanding.
Nothing will make you long term happy,and I mean nothing-no new baby, no new job or cold case of beer- if you are not happy with yourself.

If you expect to find it in the layers of clothes you wear,
remember,
you’re the one that stands naked in the shower.

Timidosity


I want to launch. 
Not into any topic in particular, but because that is a familiar feel with you. 
I won’t sweetener things. I won’t wear a coat and call it Sugar. 
 
Since interaction between you and I began, I was interested in your oceans. 
And I really feel that I won’t stop having the desire to swim them. 
 
Are we dangerous? 
 
I walk on pebbles of fear
and I am not wearing any slippers.

 
 

Mental Quicksand

Convincing yourself of general happiness.

I’ve had waves of attacking life as it is, recently. By vigoursly being happy with it all. With choices and attitude; and accepting that it is like that and that it is fine like that.

The battle to change big parts of self, seems like exhaust of failed effort.
That I am not winning it.

Taking a different approach seems like a valuable idea.

Actions that are more doable are not necessarily the best of ones,I know.
But I will continue making excuses about my weak and wavering temple of mind.

Not feeling ready to change or not wanting to or because the difficulty level is at a maximum.

Is is because of my current position in life?
Am I trying to run against a current that I haven’t even been able to walk in?
Perhaps letting the current slow, or walking to a place where the white caps are more like ripples and the rocks more like mud, is the better alternative.
And going with the flow instead of against, even a better one.

Getting to a place or creating a space in mind that tells me I’m not battling, but simply living- and loving it.

Oh, how far down can one get when the struggle is only weakening the player.
Before the weakness becomes the injured. The defeated.

A lot of strength comes from pushing through. From riding those waves of uncertainty with direction and purpose. Not changing their momentum or curve, but changing the perception of position.
For if that is where ones mind is strong- in the ability to warp perception and believe in it, then boldness and unwobbled legs will manifest.

And the deepest pool is mind juice.
Where swimming in that stuff long enough does more than just wrinkle skin.

Like quicksand, the harder you flail, the more you move, the faster you sink.