Breakdown

I had a breakdown yesterday. I sat outside on the wooden chairs, facing away from the house with my guitar in hand and sobbed till there was a puddle at my feet. I was involuntarily moving and for the first time in years, I felt fear for my behaviour. I felt panic rise, my stomach going in and out while my hands clenched and unclenched the wooden table.

With ‘Love More and Worry Less’ in my ears, I looked up at the tree and I desired to be right under it. So I stood and laid down on the wooden patio, straight out like a board and I watched the leaves twinkle in and out and I watched the sky flicker between them and I closed my eyes and I wanted sleep.

And then my husband and son were standing over me and I was getting up and I was putting a bottle in the stroller and then son in the stroller and telling husband I was going to walk to Family Mart.

I got a bottle of rum and Coke Zero and I sat down outside while Zeek drank his bottle and I poured my rum into the Coke Zero and we sat watching traffic drinking from bottles.

And later that evening after son goes to bed I will desperately feel a need to call anyone from Canada and I will sit on the bed frantically punching in numbers on my Thai cellphone and will slowly realise that I do not have enough credit. Husband will come upstairs and hand me his phone and I will call my mother and while she sits in a bank parking lot across the world I will sob to her for twenty three minutes and I will tell her it is the unhappiest I have been.

And it is not until I hang up, that the significance of the statement confronts me. I have been telling myself and others that I’m happy but could be happier, not that I’m unhappy or sad .

I pick up Toast, my teddy bear that is larger than me, grab a sheet from the spare bedroom closet and I open the door to the balcony off our bedroom. I lay down with Toast while cars pass below and I fall asleep.

I awake to husband standing over me and I get up and I fall sleep in the bed but it takes me awhile and I do not have a good sleep.

I am unhappy and I have finally said it out loud.
I’ve finally admitted I am.