I don’t recall the last time I had a decent sleep. I feel like sleep for me is an extra to life that isn’t necessary and that my body is at its full engine power, keeping me upright and pulling energy from the clouds so that I can do stuff like play cars or stir oatmeal. How long can I go with bumpy sleep? Sleep that catapults me into an empire of weakness, of brain fuzz, of tummy turning, shivering quality.
Maybe if I start wearing socks to bed, it’ll help.
There are lots of ways one can know they’re tired.
Lots of ways someone can not feel tired, but by the things they do, can know they’re tired.
I didn’t pull down my underwear to pee. Thankfully I realized this before I did.
I was trying to put milk into another bottle-from a milk box-through a straw. Once I realized that I was trying to use the slow and messy process of a straw, I got scissors and cut the box open. But Milk sloshed out onto my keyboard base.
Ohuurrggg! Rats as big as alley cats!!
I put the milk in the fridge and knocked something or other but closed the door because I was in a hurry to do something or other else.
When I opened the fridge five minutes later, a whole tray on the door came off and clattered to the ground. Butter, cheese and eggs.
Some were hard boiled, some were not. And I’m halfway inside my fridge reaching for the ones that rolled inside while goop is seeping out of the one in my hand and I’m trying to figure out which ones are hard boiled by smelling the ones that aren’t cracked?
It’s odd seeing people dressed in bar clothes in a hospital.
At least not in the asthma and allergy center.
As I’m writing this I realise I really could make a valid stand on why bar girls may be in this part of the hospital. Even more of a valid point if they’re with their 75 year old partner.
The real reason I write this post is because of what you’re about to read.
I hated every nurse in the room for the minute ( which seemed like 9 ) that they held Zeek down and took his blood. They wrapped him tight in a blanket and there were three of them standing over and while he began to wail, before I even felt anything,tears formed in my eyes.
I wasn’t expecting to feel what I did. This helplessness. This anger. I just wanted to rip him away from them and hold him. I looked around at everything and I felt hate for Lilo and Stitch. They were on the wall dancing away and they were far too happy.
My stomach turned and I felt thin and almost that I could faint.
And then he was handed into my arms and he stopped crying and put his head down on my shoulder while I wiped away the last of my own tears.
He was sleeping 3 minutes later. In my arms.
And I looked at his face,all blotchy and red and I said, ” I love you beyond what I can tell you, and that will never change.”
Just letting everyone know I made it back to my homeland in one piece.
Baby, Mom and all. The first 5 hour flight went well-Zeek slept the whole way.
Weren’t in Korea too long-enough time to feed him and let him roam the floor for 45 minutes. Talk about a dirty kid.
The 13 hour flight went by. I didn’t sleep well-held on to Z the entire times he slept. Hostesses were nice enough. Only had a little fussy time when he was tired but wouldn’t sleep. Overall an 8 outta 10 flight.
Canada feels amazing. It always does.
The english language seeps into my bones so good. Like a rush. Made me cry as I was exiting the airplane. The sky seems bluer, the air more crisp and people driving, I can actually see. The windows aren’t deeply tinted like they usually are in Thailand.
Everything is more clean and neat. The wires, the roads.. The fields are amazing. Corn. I haven’t seen in years. Stands up tall.
The grass is green and soft. The trees are tall and healthy.
My eyes are puffy but I am overwhelemingly happy to be here.
I awoke at four this morning and turned like a tossed salad till six fifteen.
My eyes felt wooden and balloony all together.
My zipper on my shorts is down. It’s just down. It always falls down. So I just wear them like this. You can’t see anything. And I wonder if a famous person wore pants with the zip undone, if people would start doing it.
I watched this live thingy, where teen girls were shown pictures of Justin biebers ‘newest’ tattoo. Not really his tattos and they were ridiculously awful tattoos. Or they were told bad things about him. Like he had ran over an old lady because she was too slow crossing the street. And they said, ‘yeah. That’s ok. Because he’s Justin Bieber. And he probably had to get somewhere fast.’ Anything to justify his actions. Even if it was just ” he’s Justin Bieber,.”
Something seems a little wrong with that but. What do you do. Guess in my case, I just make sure my baby dude doesn’t turn out like that. Beebs or the ‘justificators’ .
Do you ever find that somedays are extra goodly good? You wake up and there really is no specific reason that comes to your head about why today feels so gosh darh lovely. If you look a bit closer maybe you can assemble the pieces for this. You got a good sleep, you’re excited to eat bacon as usual and the sky is bright. Maybe it is breezy outside and breeze to you, always counts as adventure.
Maybe its because your baby is in good spirits and has you laughing. Maybe because you bought a pile of groceries the night before and know you picked up those special soft nantucket cookies that are sensational to eat!
So many little things that can add to the goodness feel. Sometimes we forget that just being with our significant other is what makes us happy. When we become so used to things being around us, we forget that we’d be unhappy without it. Like breath. We all take that for granted. We all forget about it. But things like the capability of playing guitar, or interacting with others in a conversation.. the way we can smell the neighbours cooking there breakfast or hear the kids riding there bicycles around.
And it really is kind of sweetly so to think about when I tell you that today, the day I write and post these words, is not one of these good days. I awoke with a cold and had a yuckified sleep with split minutes of wake throughout. Nose has ran all morning but yet,
I write of good things, because sometimes,
that is the specific that can help make today feel so gosh darn lovely.
The day before was a blended mcflurry. Of smarties and m&ms, of reeses
pieces and fudge. I never tasted any of it but I knew it was spinning.
I knew The lid was about to come off and the contents were going to
The Monday prior to the big day, I had my first pelvic exam ever. I
wasn’t grossed out or nervous but it was the first real discomfort
that I knew would click in with the rest of labour.
She says it twice because I ask her to.
” your 3 cm dilated”.
I wash myself. i pull my clothes on slowly.
She states that I am in labour. And the words echo off the certified
Had I felt any such labour pain or cramping? None.
I walked out of their with explosive options. Either wait till
contractions became worthy of hospitilization or come in the next day
for the oxytocin. In other words, to have the baby.
I zombied around the halls. I zombied around the home.
The doc had long ago told me that she wasn’t going to induce me if
there were no signs of labour. My family and I all thought I would go
past my due date. Here I was two days till that day and I had already
been having progressive contractions. Without knowing.
I decided that the more dilated i could get at home, the better.
Besides, my sister hadn’t arrived yet.
I went home and called my dad in brazil. He said he’d be on the next
possible plane out.
The very next day, the true mcflurry day, I woke up feeling like it was the
last one I’d be pregnant.
Everything in those 24 hours was done or said or looked at
with the heavy frost of knowledge that I would be a mother the next
day. I wasn’t in any pain but I knew The doctor was right and I
shouldn’t wait too long. I didn’t want the baby gettig bigger anyway.
It was the evening . I called the doctor up with puffs of cloudy
questions, worried that perhaps baby was getting stressed in there .
She advised against waiting and said to come in the following day- at
least to check how far I’d dilated.
With that set in stone, I began to get frantic.All the things I had
to do before baby came. The lid on the mcflurry mix flung off and
pieces went everywhere. I was standing at the bottom of a flight of
stairs outside, attempting to take the last of the belly photos when i
broke down. The world felt heavy to my eyes. I felt like a collapsable
tent myself. This was me shutting down.
But back home, for a good hour I went around the
house wide eyed and in a frenzy that noone could stop.
I was filling up soap containers, organizing my closet,
sweeping the floors and raking the lawn. Things had to feel done.
I laid in bed that night thinking it’d be the last full night of sleep
for awhile. How right I was. I held my breath as I entered Sleepville
that night and in the morning, I, along with all those pieces, were
floating. Were actually floating.