I think about you everyday. I miss you. I think about the what have I dones and the whys and why didn’t I and how could I and what was I thinking and in all of this, making some rational sense because sense without rational is like the national anthem without pride. oh Life, I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.
My mom texted me before I left for her party on Saturday. ‘Jen. Can you come up here. ‘
I went up to find her in bed in pjs with her makeup and hair all done up. Laying down against the mauve of her pillow and she looked so pretty.
“If you need something to wear I have dresses in the other closet you could wear. I haven’t worn them yet”.
” Ok thanks.
And I start to leave the room.
” oh and
I’m really nervous.”
She’s wringing her hands together.
She continues on:
” Should I have a glass of wine?
Will you come up with me if I have to say a thank you speech?
Can Zeek sit with me to blow out the candles?
Do you have any wine? Will you bring it up?’
There’s frantic and panic in her voice and she looked so beautiful in fear. I felt a glimmer of sorry for her. In what she must be feeling.
And that, she can look so together, and reveal and be so vulnerable. Like she was a little girl all over again.
She let her guard down so I could walk in and see her that way.