Plummeting

My marriage is failing.
It is crumbling and it is not because of him, it is not because of us, it is because of me.
I am the most lost I have been in 10 years and I am drinking everyday and I want to go back to Canada and I am not putting effort into living in Thailand because I’m already gone.

My situation is threatening everything I am coming in contact with .
Since having my son one year ago, it is the longest I have went without contacting my family.
I have no desire to.

It is ugly amazing. How much one can have. A loving faithful husband. Money to get massages and facials and pedicures. A pool to swim in everyday. A maid to come clean house every other day. A happy healthy child.

I am not happy with myself and I don’t know even want to get out of it. I have slumped into this lazy haul and I am directing negative into the people I love.
Into myself.
I don’t even want to try and be happy.

It is Happening

I’m doing it.
I’m going to make a trip back home. It will take 2 planes, 18 flight hours, 8 hours in 3 airports, and a 4 hour car ride.

It will take a day and a half.
To get from one side of the world to the other.
My nine month old,
will be in my arms.
I am shaking at the idea.
And it is still two weeks away.