The Struggle of Changing Yourself

If I could attach a phrase to the last four months of my life. It would be that of this post title.

I can feel on par, in line, mentally stable, eating the best carrots and drinking the most water one day and the next, I’m staying up late watching mindless YouTube videos and adding cinnamon sugar and chocolate chips to my popcorn.

I’ve learned one thing in the past few weeks and I can feel it has embedded itself into my system and that it will slowly grow and become bigger. It will be more of me as time goes on because I will choose for it consciously.

Even if I don’t exercise for three days, even if I falter at healthiness for a little bit of time, whether it be emotionally or mentally, I can MAKE IT a PART of my healthiness by starting again. I have done that enough times in the past month that I know that it works. That the term ‘starting again’ is merely ‘ continuing on in the right direction’. I feel happier because I’ve pushed through my lazy, wanna crumple into a heap of skin and blankets moments, and felt better again.

That’s a life lesson.

You’re going to fall down and your mind is going to feel upside down and your going to think your hearts’ contents will feel better off flattened and left for dead in the street. You will get into ruts, heck, you’ll even make them yourself, but you don’t have to make them deep. 
You will make your own ( when you look back on it ) distinguishable pace. Whether it’s 9 steps forward and 10 back, or forward 10 and 1 back. You have the capability to set that.

And that’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Self improvement is an infinity mile journey. How do you expect to make a dent of good if you continiously wallow in your minds negative thoughts that YOU are not only choosing to hold on to, but are making in the first place.
Get the struggle of  bettering you under control so that you can admit, be aware, fight for and admire, the you that you are forever becoming. 

 

 

 

 

Tree of Subsistence

Wood curves around my spine
the knots in my back tie me up
into this brittle ringed museum
that have my existence on a stand.
Cold, harsh, lighting in this soft, warm place
the contrast meet, collecting power on instant
storming onto my branches and roots

I greet strength and I grow
branches touching clear walls
My automatic tendencies uncoil me
into long lengths of reality
so pure that I am exhausted
at the beginning of the day.
I am filled, I am stilled
I am in a glass case.

 

Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

A Thousand

Highs and Lows. We’ve all got them. A thousand of them.

These days, I find myself baffled to sickness-at how quick one can go from being grinny and positive, to the bottom of the bucket. Sad. Negative.

We are affected.

And sometimes, I just don’t want to be.

I don’t think I’ve ever had the yern for a stable life. I didn’t know that was a thing I didn’t have. Or else I did and didn’t admit it. But going from one extreme to the other so quickly, is not healthy. It isn’t. I feel myself lurching into the same darkness everytime the low blasts into feelsight. A ocean with a thousand waves, a thousand feet high. And I’m wanting only, to be a thousand feet under.
I do not embrace the low well, any longer. I just want them to stop.
I just want to stop them.

And sometimes,
mostly all the time,

the only way I want to do that is to stay

a thousand feet under.

Mental Quicksand

Convincing yourself of general happiness.

I’ve had waves of attacking life as it is, recently. By vigoursly being happy with it all. With choices and attitude; and accepting that it is like that and that it is fine like that.

The battle to change big parts of self, seems like exhaust of failed effort.
That I am not winning it.

Taking a different approach seems like a valuable idea.

Actions that are more doable are not necessarily the best of ones,I know.
But I will continue making excuses about my weak and wavering temple of mind.

Not feeling ready to change or not wanting to or because the difficulty level is at a maximum.

Is is because of my current position in life?
Am I trying to run against a current that I haven’t even been able to walk in?
Perhaps letting the current slow, or walking to a place where the white caps are more like ripples and the rocks more like mud, is the better alternative.
And going with the flow instead of against, even a better one.

Getting to a place or creating a space in mind that tells me I’m not battling, but simply living- and loving it.

Oh, how far down can one get when the struggle is only weakening the player.
Before the weakness becomes the injured. The defeated.

A lot of strength comes from pushing through. From riding those waves of uncertainty with direction and purpose. Not changing their momentum or curve, but changing the perception of position.
For if that is where ones mind is strong- in the ability to warp perception and believe in it, then boldness and unwobbled legs will manifest.

And the deepest pool is mind juice.
Where swimming in that stuff long enough does more than just wrinkle skin.

Like quicksand, the harder you flail, the more you move, the faster you sink.

A Present Struggle for the Future

I’ve been away from home for five days; stopping in only to grab a change of clothes and a cup of yogurt.
Life is spinning and seems a bit far away when I think about it.
And when I don’t, I’m really in it. I’m really living it. Deep into the eyes of others and the words that float from there lips and it enhances everything around me.Everything that I do not think of.

I am immersed and focused and hazed out all at once.
I am happy. But I know my happy is a forward root. I am happy because of my present surroundings and what I want to do with it in the future.

I have great plans for the future with my present, but I am not implementing choices with the present that make that future.
And that is my biggest struggle in this present.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?

Getting over Hills with a Baby

My son is almost four months old.
I’m finally pretty darn confident I know what he wants each time he cries! I’ve learned it over the past while and it’s a hill I feel connected to and am proud about.
But there will always be hills when it comes to raising a child.
The next one that is already at my feet deals with habits.
I know what will stop my baby from crying but do I want him to depend on it months later? Do I want him to need my boob or for me to be laying next to him, in order to fall asleep?
This is something I’ve been faltering with.

This is a hill I must get over.
By doing so I will have to hear my baby cry more. I will have to use other things to soothe him… to vary it before dependence becomes an issue.
But he will for much longer, depend on the things I provide.
Depend on me for the things he needs.