Different Types of Tough

There are lots of good wonderfuls about life. Negative wonderfuls that make us stronger,better people.
Sometimes those saddy wonderfuls just suck to go through. We just want to be on the other side of it where we are that stronger,better person.

There are all kinds of different tough wonderfuls.
There are the monotone lines of the stuff. That are a constant apparency in your life.

There are ones that you can shove away for a little while, distract yourself with events or other people.

The rollercoaster ones that have you up for a day and then sunk to the bottom of the ocean the next. Being on that ride for weeks? That otta make your guts feel like they’re gonna spill out of your eyes.
There are ones that have you home in bed, wanting nothing to do with life.

I’m not sure if there’s a benefit in figuring out which one you’re experiencing. I suppose I just point these out because I figured which category I was in. The rollercoaster one.
In knowing that I kind of brace myself for the stomach dropping falls. It makes the happy ride in the clouds slightly salty and disfigured but that’s part of the bracing.

It’s an emotional,mental and physically exhausting trip. I tell myself often that the journey, as sucky as it is, it’s going to be okay. I have to believe that or else staying under the ocean will seem like a very pleasant and peaceful place, the glad clouds a mere unobtainable dream.

Why We Write

Many reasons why we write.

Maybe mostly we write when we are sad. When we are bored. When we have experienced happiness. When we desire validation. Each like or comment or follow flickers our insides in some way or another. And it’s a positive. Certainly that is a type of way we do life too. We want people to like what we say and even when we do nice things, it’ll be okay if someone notices and says, “Hey, Good job”. That’s humanity.

We all have our struggles.

Some of you are going through university doing your best .Some of you are hurting in your relationship. Family disputes, bosses, fellow employees. There is usually always something we have going on in our life that’s a negative.
And sometimes we write about it.
The way I see it, negatives mean something to us or else we wouldn’t care or feel about it. Things are easy to shrug off when there are no attachments, no values, no feel for it.

We can’t really turn that off. We can possibly redirect it. But even then, we’re still going to feel bad about what makes us feel bad. Because that’s our core. That’s who we are.

Some of us are trying to figure out life. Like me.
About who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes we go through huge cliff jumping changes and we get disorientated and lost and we just want to love and be free from all our faults and poor choices of our past.
And we can understand that it is not a fast overnight change. That it will take months, if not years to fully re-position ourselves.

And sometimes that isn’t fast enough. We want to jump to that part so speaking becomes easier and better and jumping through hoops and not just screwing up,but screwing up the SAME screw up- isn’t part of your life. Because you just feel tangled. You feel foreign to life simply because you are who you want to be now, but who you were smudges the edges and brings the image of you and the idea of you, into an oddly disfigured creature. Is THAT who I am?

I’m still chained to my past. Habits break out and I hate them. I don’t want them but they happen. Addictions that I never thought were, still make there appearance even now. After how much I’ve been wanting and willing and HAVE, changed. They still exist. And it completely bops me off my rocker.

How the fook are they still there when I want nothing to do with them?
I feel better.

Hmm, maybe we all just write because it feels better.

Questioning ME

How does one mess up so bad?

Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.

And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?

Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.

This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?

I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.

Why haven’t I?

Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?

I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.

How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.

Where is MY heart?

What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.

How we Could Be

i think sometimes we underestimate the power of a smile. i think
sometimes we know that we should of smiled.

i think there are a lot of things we do and do not do,
things that irritate us when others do them or dont do.
we do them unknowenly.
this is because we are people.

we should probably hold more doors open and ask more questions.
we should learn to listen better too.because we all know thats partly
how people determine your care.
we should give out more compliments.
we know how they make us feel.

when it comes to our parents,we can always be nicer to them.we can
always be more present with them, our siblings and our relatives.
i think our patience and our understanding could use a little
maintence work every once in awhile-so that we are able to stretch
further and become more tolerable.

we need to learn how to turn to our inner core and get loose in
situations.  to not be so rigid and unbendable. To adapt with good heart.
we need to let others reach us, to connect and relate.
we ought to be more aware and in tune with their struggles; even our
own. to become more knowledgable with people and how they work.
communication is an art able to be bettered.

we should try and be more expressive with how we feel towards others,
towards ourselves. really knowing who we are as an individual is the
biggest part in living a full life. but this is a never ending task.
it is something we should take the paperwork for-everywhere we go.

i think we should take more time to colour in colouring books and play
hide and seek. i think we should climb more trees. To exercise more
often. we should probably eat slower and eat less to.
we could try and figure out the things that make us feel better about
ourselves, and actively do more of that.we could consciously reward
ourselves for the accomplishments we achieve too.
things should probably be more in moderation in our life than they
are.
but not smiles.
smiles are best left unlimited. smiles are like
what water is to trees. smiles soak into peoples souls as it does into
the ground. roots suck up this liquid treat like people suck up the
smirks and the grins. no matter the soil, skin colour or disablility,
water and smiles sow seeds of happiness. where the leaves fall, where
the smiles land, new beauty and new energy are sure to grow.
so within all these things we could do, let a smile be the permenent
backdrop, let it be behind everything we do. if we need to focus on it
and nothing else, do so. it is repetition that will make these
actions ones we don’t think twice about.
it will become our bark and our branches. apart of us in every way.