Dark Space

It’s scary. I’m scared. I know life is going to be like that sometimes. There are lots of uncontrollables. But it doesn’tt take away from the thought of opting out of living it. It’s easier like that. Those thoughts are easy and comforting and selfish and make you feel better. Having control of that one thought and action, eases the fact of all the other uncontrolled.  Even if right along with the thought of giving up, is the thought that I couldn’t. But only because I’m a Mom.

My Love Sucks

I know what makes up love. I know the fundelmentals. I’ve heard the wedding vows and read about love in the Bible. I’ve felt loved and knew to be loved. So how can I mess it up so badly? Why do I love so poorly? Why do I implement such a weak and pathetic nature of it. And if it is dished out so off from the real thing, why do I even call it love?
It doesn’t matter that the real thing is different for each one of us. It doesn’t matter that some like to be shown love through gifts and others through physical touch. I’ve just got a really thin blood line of love in my veins.

My heart hasn’t felt more involved with the word then it does now, yet I still struggle. I still fall down with love in my hands and it smushes and bleeds through the sidewalk cracks. I have good strong intentions nowadays for my love. Yet I still hit walls that splash my love into attics.
Is love on my side? Does love choose sides? How do I be better? Will anyone be patient enough to watch me fail time and time again.
I really do want to love purely. I never thought it would be such a difficult thing to get a hold of. It’s prooven to be a self distasting but beautiful battle. I love myself better than ever-until the parts happen where my love for others prooves warped and fragile.

Oh where will I get the potion for this thing called Love.