I just had an hour foot massage.
During this time I had a conversation with a Thai woman, all in Thai.
It made me realise a few things.
My Thai has dribbled away into drops that are on the verge of evaporation and that my desire to learn the language
It also started the other day when I skyped with my Dad who asked me if I was learning any more Thai.
It wasn’t until after I had said no, that I realised he was the one that had paid for my enrollement in 2010 at Ramkhamhaeng University. ( Yes, try pronouncing THAT right ) Which included a course of the Thai Language. Oh heck I learned alot in those few months. My brain was as switched on as it ever has been.
But my point is, I have disapointed him and myself. I had him even get me an apartment close to the school, so I could really live in Bangkok and focus on learning. Even though we both didn’t know I’d be staying longer than him at the time, I had said I wanted to be able to speak well, even if I only had a year left in Thailand. ( Two years later… )
In 2011, I had even begun looking for more courses to pursue my desire to learn the stuff.
Once pregnancy hit, POOF, I was out of the game and I didn’t even know it.
Even though we have at least another year here, if not two, I know now that I am even further away from learning the language then I was when I first moved here.
And it is because of the defeat. The lacking, the embarresement, the complete giving up notion that we all have experienced in our lives.
The words sound more foreign to me coming out of my mouth then they did when I first began learning.
If you don’t use it, you lose it.
I believe in that more than ever now.
Saying all this though, I do believe I have come to an acceptance of the whole thing.
I know too much of me is outside of this country and that I keep going back to it, looking beyond what is right in front of me.. and that’s something I have to work on.
But I do not think it is worth it now, to struggle with learning more of this language.
I have come to an understanding that the weight of it affects myself far too much,as well as my son and husband, and is more of a burden than anything.
and I’m okay with that.