Learning Thai

I just had an hour foot massage.
During this time I had a conversation with a Thai woman, all in Thai.
It made me realise a few things.
My Thai has dribbled away into drops that are on the verge of evaporation and that my desire to learn the language
is gone.

It also started the other day when I skyped with my Dad who asked me if I was learning any more Thai.
It wasn’t until after I had said no, that I realised he was the one that had paid for my enrollement in 2010 at Ramkhamhaeng University. ( Yes, try pronouncing THAT right ) Which included a course of the Thai Language. Oh heck I learned alot in those few months. My brain was as switched on as it ever has been.
But my point is, I have disapointed him and myself. I had him even get me an apartment close to the school, so I could really live in Bangkok and focus on learning. Even though we both didn’t know I’d be staying longer than him at the time, I had said I wanted to be able to speak well, even if I only had a year left in Thailand. ( Two years later… )

In 2011, I had even begun looking for more courses to pursue my desire to learn the stuff.
Once pregnancy hit, POOF, I was out of the game and I didn’t even know it.

Even though we have at least another year here, if not two, I know now that I am even further away from learning the language then I was when I first moved here.
And it is because of the defeat. The lacking, the embarresement, the complete giving up notion that we all have experienced in our lives.

The words sound more foreign to me coming out of my mouth then they did when I first began learning.
If you don’t use it, you lose it.
I believe in that more than ever now.

Saying all this though, I do believe I have come to an acceptance of the whole thing.
I know too much of me is outside of this country and that I keep going back to it, looking beyond what is right in front of me.. and that’s something I have to work on.
But I do not think it is worth it now, to struggle with learning more of this language.
I have come to an understanding that the weight of it affects myself far too much,as well as my son and husband, and is more of a burden than anything.
and I’m okay with that.


Why I Haven’t Been Out There

In 2010 my brain was collecting like crazy. I was doing some university courses, one of them on Thai Language. I was so involved. I remember learning the Thai alphabet in the food court of an old mall with flashcards ( more like flashpaper ) I had printed off, with an ice coffee beside me and crumbs from a jelly donut. It’s amazing the results when your brain is actually turned on. I had a Thai friend who helped me with the pronunciation. I was also running daily and eating only a noodle a day. I felt incredibly healthy ( no kidding eh, a noodle?! ) and young and probably the slimmest I had been since I had been out of highschool.

Fast forward three years and here you have a woman who has forgotten some, if not all of the Thai alphabet and says the wrong word for boy in Thai.

Last night while walking around the village, a Thai man asked if my baby was my brother or sister. ( in english ) I thought he just meant boy or girl so I responded in Thai ‘pee chai’.
‘La?’ he exclaimed, looking at my son. Which is ‘really?’ in Thai.
It was only after he walked away that I realised I had just told him Zeek was my older brother. I meant to say ‘ poo chai’, not ‘pee’. And I also thought, maybe he didn’t realise it was actually MY baby.

Anyways, that got me thinking.
That maybe I refrain from going out and interacting and being social these days for more than just the reason of having a child.
Because I am embarrassed at the lack of Thai I know.
Because my brain has been turned off and I have placed myself outside of all things Thai, that all the Thai I ever did know is mixed up and muddled in my head and so that when someone asks me if my son is my brother or sister and i think they’re asking boy or girl, i respond with ‘ my older brother’..

I know a lot of Thai. I used to know more. And I haven’t been having conversations or really putting my brain into high gear to remember and to listen and to catch certain phrases. I’m letting it all slide by. And this all probably stems to the fact that I know we will be moving in less than two years. My brain is half way in Canada already and it’s like I’ve given up learning anything more about this culture. Which is sad in a way. Sure we won’t ever be living here again, but- it doesn’t hurt to learn for the present.
I doubt I’ll make the come back. I am too focused on the human being I am raising in this world. Which is okay with me. There is just more understanding to the reasoning why I haven’t been out there utilizing my Thai.