Miss and Individuality

I’ve been in Canada a year and a half now. After living in Thailand for five years.
I can tell you that I do not miss the place too much. I have pangs of it every now and then and a slew of specific moments that snag in my brain system. I don’t know what draws them out- usually it’s nothing relating to what my present moment is.
I don’t get stuck on them though-I let them pass for what they are and continue on.

As soon as those deep misses hit,immediatly following I feel either one of two things.

One: You want to be at the place you are not in; but  you have set a perfect example of the grass not being greener on the other side.

I want to go back sometimes, but if I think practically, the idea is absurd. I got into such a rut there ( my relationship at the time certainly aided it) that I began to detest my surroundings. Wanting nothing more, than my homeland.

Two: I am fortunate to be able to feel something like this. For a place like this, for a time in my life like this.

There are millions who will never know what living outside of learning what hackysack or hopscotch or caramilk chocolate bars are. Millions who will never spend five years of their life in a country with a language different then their own. People who will not know what it’s like to go without having a bath for years and only showers. Who will not know what it’s like to miss a bag of ketchup chips or honey nut cheerios.

And that’s okay.

I admit to never walking the Great Wall of China or trying to learn how to surf.
I’ve never even eaten an olive and liked it.

And this is what creates individuality.

 

 

 

Travelled Birdy WhoaMan

I think this month of 2016 I’ve written the most. In all four year I’ve had this blog.

I just feel like spilling I guess. Brimmed up slowly like the drops of the Tassimo and the cups too small and there it drips down the sides of the black mug I always choose.

I’ve been to a few places in the world:
England, Italy,Switzerland,France,Germany,Thailand,Austria,Oman, practicially all 51 ( or is it 52 now? ) states of America. Vancouver,Newfoundland,Toronto,Quebec.. and none of those are airport pitstops.
Those are a few off the top of my head.

I started out young. 16? Well, young to me.
And I like the person it’s made me. I think.
I think because I also think that sometimes it’s a downfall. Like you need more to impress you now. That it takes more for you to be interested in a person.
Your senses are broadened. You’ve seen more. You’ve met more. You’ve tasted more.

I didn’t intend anything in this post. But here I type, cross legged in a chair from Thailand and my feet are asleep like I will be in 23 minutes.

Through all that travel experience, which has done mucho much for me and to me,
i like how it’s made me want to live in only one country for life.
The country I was born in.

Can Ah Daaaahhhhhhh.

 

Back To Thailand

Let’s take a look back to the place I lived in for five years. Pattaya,Thailand.
It changed me.
As  moving anywhere does.

Pattaya is a city of tourists,prostitutes,murders,drugs,wires,signs and deceit.

That basically sums up the negative.
But I am not such a cynical person that I find no positive of anything.

Fruit is wonderful, markets, 24hour 711’s almost within 4 minutes of anywhere.
Beautiful. Cheap clothes.
Weather.Beaches.

And there’s people that will drive you home so drunk you don’t even know where home is and they call your mom from you iphone asking and taking no money from purse and delivering.
Once in a lifetime that happens.

There’s also the time where you almost get raped by a so called friend and you set it up cause you went there alone in the dark and it waas in the middle of nothing but  a pack of dogs so when you scream and bolt and run and run and have dogs chasing and you’re whipping stones at them and hoping hoping hoping you won’t feel their teeth on your leg, well that’s life there too.

I haven’t had many scary expeirences there. That I felt. Save for that one. So in five years, i think that’s doing pretty good. I mean, i putmyself in dangerous spots all the time. I truly did. I ate noodles in a stairwell at three am for 2 months straight on the weekends.

I bruised with reality. I tested it. I got so drunk i was shoeless in a massive downpour, water rushing down streets and alone and white wearing me , brother searching, me just drunk drunk drunk.

I like to believe that my non touristy brain, saved me.
That I could smell danger, I avoided. That I thought like them. That my knowlede of the city, the people, helped me. I was able to manevouer around people. My expertise at people, at Thai’s really came into play and I belive that the reason for my safety.

No matter what they say.

Cause they lie like they need the money.
And most of them do.

 

It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

They Are Back There

My parents are back in the place I lived in for five years.

Just for a vacation.
Five years of my teaching and drinking and having child and marriage and being and learning the living.
They are in the midst, my mothers skirts brushing at the strokes of my history. My fathers golf swing smothering the memories and moments of mine.

It is strange. They to be meeting with my ex husband. For him to give them a box and for him to give them papers.

It all feels strange. And unreal.
Is this my life or anothers.

A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs.  I refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be  interference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.

Visa Run-Thailand-Laos

The following is an old recount of my visa run in 2011:

There’s the three men from Israel. One of them is six and a half feet and limps around. Him and one of the other Israelian are jokesters and laugh quite a bit . I like this. 9 men altogether and by the end of the trip I have had converstions with all but one. He doesn’t stand away from the crowd, he just doesn’t enter in a sentence. Theres an english man named Stewart who lives off of Siam Country Club Road and first came to Pattaya in 1996.( same road I live on ) Eazrs is the other Israelian who I think looks French and buys me a red chupachup at one of the stops. ChupaChups are suckers. There is quite an overweight guy who takes six pills togo to sleep. Last stop he didn’t even get out. The quiet man is from the UK. I forget how I discovered that but i have . The driver and his red dyed sidekick are both thai and are gentle and comfortable. I met the driver six months ago when i did this trip the 2nd time.

Three in the afternoon on a white bed in a corner room. They gave me the corner room at the end of the hall- further away from everyone. I was smiling when I got into the van last night and smiled even harder when i discovered all the men in it were basic baldies. I’m the only girl on this visa run. As usual. The first time I went it was with mom and that was about a year ago. I have done one trip like it since so it is my third time. I like it. It’s a van ride all night where we stop every two hours at highway rest stops for those smokers an pee breakers.We arrive at the border which we wait an hour for to open. We go thru while our two drivers do the paper work and handle our money and get us the stamps that will allow us to stay in the couuntry longer. We get to our hotel at 830่am and I am tired and quiet and i go up to my corner room on the fourth floor and read. Then I decide to sleep. And I do for at least an hour and thirty. I don’t wanna sleep longer because I want to sleep tonight. Dinner is at six So I’ll go down and eat slow- a big fish. This time last year I didnt have desire to choose fish. Then maybe I’ll feel like explorig the city. I really dont feel like doing It right now. I don’t have energy an I have to ration my water. I am not changing over my Thai baht to Laos kip so I can’t buy water here.I have to save but I know that if i had unlimited amounts right now i would guzzle at least a whole bottle . I am thirsty .

While on the way up to Laos I stood away from everyone / I didn’t wanna talk. And I walked around the other side of the building and saw a frog with gold eyeshadow on. I saw the wire meshing of an animal and the greenery beginning at the hooves of it – that’s how they grow into something. I took a picture of it. Also of a truck piled incredibly high of white stuff.  I also saw a spider line from tree to tree and it was in the lamp post light in the rain. In this corner hotel room there is a non smoking sign and underneath it is a clean glass ashtray

The next day:
And in a van I sit in the back and I see a tree alongside a wall and it is arching in twist , stretching over the top . Like a kid who tried to climb a wall and stopped halfway, it’s head on the other side, the branches only the top visable. And I travel down the road I did 17 months ago with my mother. In the back of a tuktuk, laughing because it made so much noise . A mosquito roams the van. they have 42 teeth i read. And now I have crossed the border back into Thailand. I can feel it . In the ground and in the people. That this is Thailand . And it feels like home. And that realization startles me. Laos was different and the people didn’t seem as friendly but maybe that was just me going on little sleep. Over the border the mens celphones they get on them and talk and I can hear them speak Tinglish to there Thai girlfriends or married ones and me? I text my daddy. I still am the only girl here And I bought these gooey candies and i hadn’t tried them before and when we crossed over into Thailand I said aloud, we are in two places at once! To no one in particular. The guy beside me smiled . Throughout the trip he has continued to feed me lines .I’m wearing a black bandana as a headband and a high ponytail. It is messy and i haven’t brushed it today. Boy stands with a styrfoam cup of noodles from 711. Fork raised six inches above the cup, noodles hanging off and I have to grin There’s two more frogs I see and I check if they have gold eyeshadow but they both haven’t.    I think I understand the way the Thais think more than I do the language. If they say something to me, a big long string of things-I’ll pick out words, sure, but I’ll put the sentence together by the situation, the context, the things swirling around. And thats how I’ll reply. and Im usually right. If i go to canada  it will only take a few weeks for me to lose this.This is what ten months does in a foreign country   I cradle it gently as i do my puppy right  now-sleeping in my left arm while I type with the other…
I am back to the pink house,
able to stay 60 more days legal,
in Thailand.

How I Went About Becoming a Mom and My Parenting Way

There are plenty of things people don’t say about being pregnant or becoming a Mother, but I do wonder whether they are things that are left out intentionally. People tend to want to give you advice, whether you ask for it or not, whether it is positive or not.
To me, the things that are not told to you, are things that cannot be told.
They are things that can only be felt.
Okay. I think they can be told, but not fully understood.

Since I was in Thailand I didn’t have all the outside sources explaining to me how it was for them, or how wonderful it would be to hold my baby for the first time.
It’s interesting how people seem to come together easier when there are difficult times. People are more likely to talk about the earthquake in China that killed 300 people over the man that saved a plane from going down off the coast of Ireland.
I say interesting because it doesn’t seem to be that way when it comes to becoming a Mother.
Here’s my take on why:
People try and convey the beauty that surrounds giving birth to life because that is what they remember the most. That is what the brain and heart work together on, to keep alive.
Without it, we are left with an uncomfortablilty that doesn’t make us want to have more children.You may have heard that the pain while in labour and when giving birth, is something we women, tend to forget. Whether it’s a brain thing or the overwhelming feel of love and goodness that envelopes you, there are triggers that slowly take the actual feeling of hurting so much, away.
And so of course, it is rather important to the human race, for us to want to have more children!

I think that people don’t want to scare or add stress to an already unknown and fearful time in a pregnant womans life. And if it’s before your pregnant, well.. they don’t wanna miss out on a chance of cuddling a newborn.
Maybe there is no overall way to view why people don’t tell you the negatives.
If I was to develope one, it would be that it is an experience that is so incredible, reguardless of the unknown and pain, that words fail.
Not knowing the episotomy would take so long to heal, feeling disorganized in a chaotic ball that continues spinning, work that is unpredictable even when you think you have the hang of it.
It may not feel that you have grasped anything of the experience because you really are swimming in a sea of all kinds of emotions.

Which is where I’ll bring in some voice on my own experience.
I remember feeling unable to still my mind or my heart.
I knew I was going through something for the first time, and it would never be the first time again.
I remember feeling that I could not grasp everything I wanted to.
That even if I had minutes where I could just lay, I would not be able to reel in, what was happening to me.
And in that way, I felt alittle lost. That I could not put labels or names to feelings or things happening. That I could not understand fully, what I was going through.
At the same time it was scary, I had my arms flung open in acceptance.
I accepted that not being able to put my feelings down on paper or into peoples ears in a way that made sense or did justice for what I truly felt, was part of this experience. The experience I would never have again for the first time.

I suppose this was my main struggle. And that the little sleep and not knowing what was the most right thing to do, was less of one.
Like I mentioned above- in Thailand I had little outside sources to offer me advice or give me ideas about what was to come. I was really okay with that and it was actually, what I preferred.
All of what I did to prepare, was strictly done online and in books.
I chose to skip alot of parts that were other people telling there experience. I chose to focus on things that would enhance mine. I wanted my experience to have very little influence.
I wanted to prepare in the way I felt best. Not what others had discovered as best.
I wouldn’t push away any advice if i was offered, but I stayed clear from asking questions that involved peoples opinions.

I remember near the end of my pregnancy, I started getting more scared and nervous. I watched part of a labour and delivery video. And was sorry I had. Not because of how much pain I saw unfolding, but because I felt it had taken away from what I was going to be going through.
This was my attitude even towards once baby was here.
I knew I wasn’t going to know it all. I knew there would be things I would miss or do ‘wrong’.
Sure, I had read a lot about things to expect but they were facts that I took quite casually.
My baby afterall, was not a textbook theory.

A few weeks after Zeek was born, he had gas. It was so weird, it was like he went into this completely differenet baby overnight, who wouldn’t sleep and cried a lot more.
I remember that was a point of feeling helpless and clueless. My mom was still here at the time while we tried a few different methods. That’s probably the first time I realized that I could really feel I had the hang of it, but then be completely overrided with a gigantic change.Because that certainly was not the last time things changed fast.

There are so many different styles of parenting. Zeek turns two in October and looking back now I can see how I approached it. ( Whereas, while it was happening, I didn’t think much about it )
I focused on the things I felt were priority-like being able to get himself to sleep.If I had to get up at 4am for two weeks straight, I was okay with that, knowing he was learning how to get himself to sleep.
Which brings me to another point.I think it took me awhile to do things in steps and not tackle it all at once. I was eager to put my instincts and knowledge into practise. But, I found it didn’t work like that. He’s another human being after all with his own needs and wants and time.
There have been plenty of times I have tried something and ended up feeling simply that it didn’t feel right. And I knew if it didn’t feel right to me,I wouldn’t be consistent with it. That was the reasoning in my head. And it transcended into my gut and my heart. Which is what I stuck with.
I wanted to be convicted in the choices I made as a parent and let me tell you, there are still times I am confused and unsure of what I feel is right. But I accept that as part of parenting-specially with the first child. Sometimes not knowing which way works best for my child and I, is more difficult to embrace than other times. I’m his Mother, I should just KNOW, shouldn’t I?
But over time I see that trying out different options and not feeling guilty for not getting it right the first time, has been a relieving and comfortable way of handling parenthood.

Zeek goes through spurts of change. Three months ago he would do what we asked whenever we asked him. Now he is a bit more defiant and asserting his independency. Testing the waters, and my patience.
I am more patient than Morgan so my time with Zeek has been a lot more frequent in the past month.

For me, there has been a lot of joy in knowing I am creating a bond, stronger than any one I’ve ever had. The way he hugs me. They are my absolute favourite hugs I have ever recieved.
Also, the things I have learned about myself.
Just because my confidence as a Mother has been growing from the start, doesn’t mean there aren’t times where I falter and feel like I’m gonna lose it. I think one of the biggest things one can do as a Mother, is accept all the emotions that come with the title. If you are fighting against feelings that are natural and ‘home’grown, baby or child could sense that. They are afteralll, new to this whole world thing and need that security in order to grow.
At times it is scary knowing I am shaping this human. That he is learning and taking in everything I am surrounding himself with. He is learning how to live life, based on how he sees me live mine. He see’s me interact with others, he watches how I express my anger or sadness, he even imitates putting a key to the door, when it is something I have never actually taught him.

In the first year what came as a surprise to me is something that seems silly for seeming like a surprise now..but that’s maybe becuase I have more of a connection with Zeek.
I think about him EVERYWHERE I GO.
If I have a few hours apart from him, if he’s sleeping.. it seems I am always thinking about what he’ll be like when he gets up or when I get home, and whether he’s eaten or not or whether he has enough wipes or if I need to get more baby dish soap or did I brush his teeth today or when was the last time he had a bath!
ALWAYS .
I was CONSTANTLY planning around Zeeks schedule. Even if he didn’t have a strict one, I knew when he would be in a good mood and able to sit for an hour or two at a time.
Even writing it now it seems like, well YEAH, why WOULDNT you do it that way. Who wants to take a baby out grocery shopping when you KNOW they haven’t slept yet and are going to scream bloody murder throughout every aisle.
But it got pretty disruptive when I refused to go anywhere or with anyone who dropped by on short notice That is one of the ways I didn’t think I would be like. I thought I would be more lax and okay to go anywhere at anytime. Afterall, that’s how my social life worked.
But nope
am I the parent I thought I was going to be?
Kind of.
I had a general idea, knowing myself and alittle bit about the psychology behind parenting.But something as grande and new as being a parent, is totally gonna come with surprises about self and about it.
There still are times when I get overwhelmed. I doubt that will actually stop until Zeek is living on his ow.! And even then….
I think it’s important to recognize that you do get overhwhelmed and that it is a stressful and selfless job that will wear any person down. I don’t try to be supermom, I just try and be the best mom that I can be. And sometimes I feel I fall short of that. Some days I’m like, ‘man, i wasn’t that good today. I could be better, I’ll focus on having more patience tomorrow.’ Or, ” I’ll make sure I really am in tune with Zeeks emotions and do my best to prevent a tantrum.”
Because they do happen. To every Mom.
I used to get angry at Zeek for them. And I quickly came to the conclusion that helps me to be more calm during them. It is part of growing. It is expressing. He doesn’t have words and he isn’t trying to embarress me in public. He is feeling a lot of different emotions and doesn’t understand all of them. He doesn’t fully understand the connection between it being okay to throw a ball outdoors, and not indoors. All of these lines of toddlers, that will have me refusing to call it ‘terrible two’s.’ He is developing, just as he should and I need to be there for him through it all.
I’ve been in Thailand the majority of the time I have been a Mother.
I will be coming back to Canada in October, for an uncertain amount of time.
I am scared.
I am scared of the judgement I will create and make and feel.
Judgement I excused here becuase of the different culture.
I will be harder on myself there I know,because there are ‘higher standards’.

But would I go about Parenting any other way?
No, because this way is the way I feel the most right, the most confident doing.
And conviction is very very powerful.

The Problem

You can feel quite up and then it can volt it’s way to a down spin in a matter of hours.
Or seconds.
And even though you’ve given advice before, even though you can know what to do, you’re still stuck.
Today marks the day of spinning wheels towards the true and much more sooner option of Canada.
I have given up on this place here. I knew that long ago. But now I know it.
Joining badminton or kids clubs, is not going to fix it.
Because the problem is much more deeper tha that.
The problem is myself.