With weathered temperature, I break down currents whelming from my insides out the clues that can’t speak about the heart any differently. Maybe there is denial or some type of degree of heat that we deny, our experiences weather us with rain and snow or drought. They all have purpose. Maybe because I hold onto my seemingly crushed ego from back in the day that rose my being to cold Antartica. I won’t let go of the heat I feel, but I will let go of my umbrella. I would like to feel it all.
Make it your own by creating that safe space; to be able to express and divulge. Encounter a mixture of all of what is available to you and your person. When the desire to understand is so much of your foundation, the warmth evaporates faster, the dark and the cold.
I used to think and now I just don’t. I used to come up with a lot of cool ideas, bring dead flies back to life with my imagination and talk to fish in my sleep. Now I just don’t. I used to think stars were the eggs of the future and they would hatch when they would fall from their incubator space and make humans when they landed on baseball fields.
The one thing I could think of to think of now, is the difference in the last post and this one. The title is the same. But the content is different. How easy not to think what we are thinking about what we are reading.
How easy to form an idea on the title of a post. And be completely wrong. Only because we thought it.
I used to think, but sometimes it’s easier if I don’t.
I wonder if when adults walk into the water just past their hips and stand there, if they are peeing.
And when you mix drinks all night, and go to brush your teeth with the desire to mix both toothpastes you have, on your brush.
How many of us parents on a regular basis rethink a specific moment in the day, of how we reacted poorly or that we could have listened harder? And wonder how your child is going to turn out and how much of an influence we are to them and that feeling of not ever being greater then we are.
In the future , will there be interactive movie theatres with control pads for every seat? And the majority of what the audience chooses, is what happens in the movie.
And if it’s a shitty movie, the only ones we can blame are ourselves.
Do we say thank you for the new acts of love that show up in our lives but not for the everyday ones?
Do we appreciate ourselves for the way that we love?
How often do I buy a bag of trail mix and add a whole other bag of smarties to it so I can trick myself to think I’m eating a decently healthy snack?!
It’s weird how my dry shampoo- before I brush it in, gives me a glimpse of what I would look like with grey hair.
I hope we don’t sacrifice too much of ourselves just to make a relationship work. Can we be happy doing that in the long run? And the sacrifices we do make, how do we know when there’s too many?
Well I would if I bloomed pretty magic,
How many trees does it take to make a forest?
Why do we draw sunglasses on the sun?
Don’t disrespect your unconscious mind because it’s already been decided.
Also,we know the sense is already there, we don’t have to make it. We just have to pick it up and use it. It’s pretty common that way.
And also times two; being airborne doesn’t mean you were born on a plane.
I’m in foreign territory even though I am not considered a foreigner. It is more easy to be in the wrong when you’re the only one white.
Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.
Not currently as happy as I want to be
A lull in my life right now
I’m wanting what I had
I wish I had of been better
Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.
I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.
I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
I’m in the middle of being far away. I let the sunrises and sunsets become sightless greys and blacks and I know I’m a wreck when I don’t touch eyes with fellow shoppers. We are people that have the useless power of slumbering through our days standing up.
I drive to work and I get there and think there is nothing I noticed. There is no shape of house or height of tree that I let myself acknowledge. I just pushed air with the car, pressed pedal with foot, and got there.
I don’t need to challenge myself to point out life.
I am apart of it and my brain and heart are too and if I let sunsets and rises sink under my skin, I then become everything there is to see.
Life tells me I’m beautiful, I just need to tell it
that it is beautiful too.