I used to think and now I just don’t. I used to come up with a lot of cool ideas, bring dead flies back to life with my imagination and talk to fish in my sleep. Now I just don’t. I used to think stars were the eggs of the future and they would hatch when they would fall from their incubator space and make humans when they landed on baseball fields.
The one thing I could think of to think of now, is the difference in the last post and this one. The title is the same. But the content is different. How easy not to think what we are thinking about what we are reading.
How easy to form an idea on the title of a post. And be completely wrong. Only because we thought it.
I used to think, but sometimes it’s easier if I don’t.
Shadow of large long branch on beige wall. Moving because that’s the moves of the century. Moving because that’s the way to feel the world.
And conversation with parents voices. In my headphone ears. One was in Canada. And the other in Brazil. And there I sat in Thailand, on a wooden bench with bats winging around my head.
Special feelings are ones where only certain people or things can make happen. They can be small. Like shadows on walls. Or big. Like family.
They can be big like culture. Culture doesnt fit in my head. It comes bustin out of my ears and I write about it like I’m reliving it and all those feelings comes swimming over. Easily.
Small things that poke your mind and feels good. A connection. Within yourself. Like you’re the one laughing at your own joke. The joke you told inside your head. Because her hands massaging my face, smelled like a bubble bath I had years ago. Because that smell rolled up a memory and a frame of time I hadn’t thought of in years. And love gets to be both big and small. Because small things can happen and you connect it with love. And big things happen that we attach love to, too. Like proposing. I’ve never been proposed marriage before. But I’m married. And have been proposed hundreds of things.
And it is later than what it was earlier So that’s usually a good a sign as any To get into the clouds of Sleepville.
The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!