Rising Mentality

Whirl of words stacking as they twist behind my ears and on my eyes. The lull slams into my system, beige and heated
and I always feel one of two things:

#1 : Agitated. ‘Not again.’ This matter of fact,
” You’re still in the same position,” chortle
into my face.

#2 : Motivational Burst. ‘ Been here too many times, let’s actually
make the difference this time. ‘

My mind feels like it’s about to birth this exceptional mentality that I’ve only had a few times in my life. That determination and strict are going to enter the picture and turn me forceful into what I want for myself.

I am waiting still, I will not push for it, I will let it come to me– for the rest of the contents to seep into my system.

 

 

 

 

You Can Know You’re Tired When..

There are lots of ways one can know they’re tired.
Lots of ways someone can not feel tired, but by the things they do, can know they’re tired.
For instance.
I didn’t pull down my underwear to pee. Thankfully I realized this before I did.
I was trying to put milk into another bottle-from a milk box-through a straw. Once I realized that I was trying to use the slow and messy process of a straw, I got scissors and cut the box open. But Milk sloshed out onto my keyboard base.
Ohuurrggg! Rats as big as alley cats!!
I put the milk in the fridge and knocked something or other but closed the door because I was in a hurry to do something or other else.
When I opened the fridge five minutes later, a whole tray on the door came off and clattered to the ground. Butter, cheese and eggs.
Eggs.
Some were hard boiled, some were not. And I’m halfway inside my fridge reaching for the ones that rolled inside while goop is seeping out of the one in my hand and I’m trying to figure out which ones are hard boiled by smelling the ones that aren’t cracked?

A Powerful Hospital Visit in Thailand

It’s odd seeing people dressed in bar clothes in a hospital.
At least not in the asthma and allergy center.
As I’m writing this I realise I really could make a valid stand on why bar girls may be in this part of the hospital. Even more of a valid point if they’re with their 75 year old partner.
The real reason I write this post is because of what you’re about to read.

I hated every nurse in the room for the minute ( which seemed like 9 ) that they held Zeek down and took his blood. They wrapped him tight in a blanket and there were three of them standing over and while he began to wail, before I even felt anything,tears formed in my eyes.
I wasn’t expecting to feel what I did. This helplessness. This anger. I just wanted to rip him away from them and hold him. I looked around at everything and I felt hate for Lilo and Stitch. They were on the wall dancing away and they were far too happy.
My stomach turned and I felt thin and almost that I could faint.

And then he was handed into my arms and he stopped crying and put his head down on my shoulder while I wiped away the last of my own tears.
He was sleeping 3 minutes later. In my arms.
And I looked at his face,all blotchy and red and I said, ” I love you beyond what I can tell you, and that will never change.”

Incapable of Fixing

I am more ready than I ever have been, to leave this country and live in my own.
Because of this, I am already half out of it. Half living here, half into everything I do here, half gone.
I am very aware of all things negative. Aware of the things I need to be doing to be better. I am aware of my faults and my lack of effort. I am aware of my awful behaviour towards my partner and sometimes even Zeek.
I know all of these things but I feel incapable of fixing it. Of changing it. I feel like I feel nothing sometimes. I feel a lot sometimes. Weights. I feel that I’m watching the days go by because they are what’s bringing me to the days where I am supposedly more happier and that I’m waiting for that happiness instead of creating it.
I am aware the danger in mistaking Canada as my only source of happiness. As the one thing that is going to cure this. I am aware that once I get there, I may be disspointed. That once life starts back up, that there will be things that surprise me or alter what I think makes me happy.

I have breakdowns every now and then, and after 5 weeks of zero contact with my mother, I called her crying. Everything seems so much sometimes.
And it wasn’t until the phone call that I said aloud that it was the unhappiest I’ve been in a long time. Previous to this call I said I was happy, I just could be happier. But the truth is
that.
That I am unhappy and I feel trapped. I feel stuck because I know of all the things to do and ways to be in order to be happy, but I am unable.
I don’t ever recall feeling this way. Inadequate. Incapable. Being upset with me.
I am not depressed but I feel that this is how depressed people feel. Unable to change the slump they are in. Either a mixture of not wanting to, laziness, hopelessness…
I have a lot. I have someone who loves me, I have money to buy things and places to go for massages and manicures and someone who cleans my house and takes care of Zeek when I want to go out.. i have a pool and an oven, a hammock and a chocolate advent calender.I have so much, yet I am sad.
I am guilty of living this lifestyle and not being happy. I am not content, or satisfied or okay with life here. And because I have already convinced myself of that, living a good thing here, becomes difficult.
It is not fair to Morgan or Zeek, to be in such a state. To be in this dramatic low.

I would like to be better.
I would like to feel that I could try. That there is a space to do so in.
I am tired tired tired all the time.

Being a parent is an on going preparation. There are always things to think for. I must think three hours in advance every single day.
And suddenly, taking a trip to the beach or going out for dinner, becomes a chore. And I recognize that it is so easy for people to plan it. For people to get ready and go.
I had friends here this weekend. And I saw it.
That they had no thought of any of the 18 thoughts that I had.
And I realise that I need to be better at this. Better at going with the flow and not caring so much. But at the same time, planning and being prepared, makes it easier.
Planning is slowly making its way into just how we have to do things now. Because that is part of what being a parent is. That won’t change.
But I guess that I continually feel the stress of thinking myself. Of all the things I need to bring and that if I forget something, it is my fault.

I apoligize for the somewhat repetitive nature of my recent posts.
I’m just stuck.

I am Back in Thailand

I have made the journey back to Thailand and I fully realized as I was walking through the airport in Bangkok that I really wasn’t even excited to be there. That had never happened to me before-usually there would be some level of excitement reguardless of who was picking me up. But there I was, not paying attention to the people and setting my shoulders to the understanding that I am now the minority.
I didn’t look outside much on the way home and all today I have kept the blinds closed. I have eaten my Canadian candy and played Canadian playlists and I have thought that maybe, just maybe I could pretend that I’m still in Canada. It is that bad. It is that bad because my husband isn’t around right now. My reason for living in Thailand is absent and it is clear to me that I would not be here without him.

Some Crumbs JustIn

I awoke at four this morning and turned like a tossed salad till six fifteen.
My eyes felt wooden and balloony all together.

My zipper on my shorts is down. It’s just down. It always falls down. So I just wear them like this. You can’t see anything. And I wonder if a famous person wore pants with the zip undone, if people would start doing it.

I watched this live thingy, where teen girls were shown pictures of Justin biebers ‘newest’ tattoo. Not really his tattos and they were ridiculously awful tattoos. Or they were told bad things about him. Like he had ran over an old lady because she was too slow crossing the street. And they said, ‘yeah. That’s ok. Because he’s Justin Bieber. And he probably had to get somewhere fast.’ Anything to justify his actions. Even if it was just ” he’s Justin Bieber,.”
Something seems a little wrong with that but. What do you do. Guess in my case, I just make sure my baby dude doesn’t turn out like that. Beebs or the ‘justificators’ .

You Know You’re Tired When…

I can tell I am out of it when I go to use my perfume bottle as deoderant. TWICE in one week. I can tell I am out of it when I eat two raw noodles before realizing that it is not the way they are supposed to be eaten. I realize that my brain is far from working when I pour my coffee grinds into the part where the water is supposed to go. I almost use sunscreen for my toothpaste and instead of putting my underware on frontwards or even ON, I use it as a cloth to wipe down the counters. ( What also, is that saying about my choice in underware pattern?!! )
And last but not least, I know I’m tired when I find myself staring at my feet and thinking that it is all I want to do!
True facts of the last week!

Oh dear.