We are all like toddlers in car seats. Toddlers who don’t understand that they are being driven to playgrounds, birthday parties where there is cake and treat bags and other kids to play with. Life is the car and we’re actually the driver but sometimes we’re an upset kid who is yelling because we don’t know where it is we are actually headed.
Next time you’re completely busted up because all plans broke loose and where your life might take you next is now not as certain as it once was, remember the toddler in the backseat whining to go back home, refusing to listen to any factual jarble they are being told while they’re on route to a park with slides,swings and cool shizzle like that.
Don’t assume you’re travelling to a prison. Unless your handcuffed and wearing a full coloured jump suit that doesn’t in the least, flatter your skin tone.
My sons father hasn’t seen his son in one year and three months.
It was a sacrifice he chose. For me. For his son.
I still love the man because he is good. He just wasn’t right for me.
In five days he will meet his son.
Because his son is altogether new. Unfamiliar. Different then the last time.
So yesterday, I got the burst of a new feel.
I am excited to show him our son.
For him to represent my hard work and dedication of over a year.
I am responsible for his manners and his voice. The words he uses and his diaperless bum. I am the reason behind a lot of the good things and of course, some of the bad.
I am excited to show him the being we made and how it is no longer a 7 pound wriggle, but a 31 pound child that hugs hugs-the best I’ve ever had.
He’s my heart beating reason,
and I’m excited to show him that.
I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.
Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.
We all feel resentment.
And I wonder just how much it affects how we do things.
It’s a difficult thing to curb, even once realised.
We can blame for the poor quality at which we handle things.
I feel less good of a Mom when husband falls asleep in the same room as we are playing. I am not angry that he sleeps. It is being in the same room while he does. I don’t try and be quiet but I can’t help trying to. I take my frustration out on Zeek.
This is just one example of the many ways I experience it.