For You

I’d break open each pistachio in the whole bag for you.
I’d crack open your 11 cans of beer, I’d,
I’d travel 73 blocks to grab you your favourite Thursday night chew.

I’d rub your back and your feet any night of the week.
You see, I would care for you in such a way, that I would believe it.

To Get Through Anything

That was the way you and I spent our holidays. Dining on tulips and lavender.
I told you I wanted your motion to swing me upside down so I could see the heat of your heart reach your feet.

And then I felt your brain and ideas pile into the front seat of my car. And for a mile I thought I’d gone south. But I felt the chill of reality seep through the static in the radio and knew we’d done it again. We sewed our breath to each others’ and lasted the cold away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Want to Tell you These Things

I want to tell you that the chimney here at my Dads, caught on fire the day after we closed our doors. You used to be a firefighter. You would have known just what to do.

I want to tell you that I looked for the Easter Hat you made last year for Z. And that I couldn’t find it, no matter where I looked.

I want to tell you how badly I want a doggy like the one we bought together.
I want to tell you how much you taught me.
To tell you that when I openened my chocoalate yesterday, a piece of chocolate shot up and hit me in the eyebrow.
I want to tell you that I have a cardinal clipped to my desk. Your favourite bird.

I want to say that I go in waves of happy and of sad. That I get bold with my confidence, telling myself,” I’ll find someone else, I’ll find someone else’. And then get whooshed into a whelmy sadness ocean,’ you were everything, you were everything I needed.’

I want to tell you that I didn’t do the big thing that you think I did. You won’t believe me, but everyday, I want to tell you that. 
I want to tell you that I finally finished reading the book I got from the librairy with you in October last year.
I want to tell you that I’ve stuffed all my lingere in the back of my bottom dresser drawer and as I put them in there I said outloud, ‘ won’t be needing these anymore- not until you want me back’.

I want to tell you that the visual of your eyes is locked into my head and it pummels up my heart sometimes and pops out of my eyes.

I want to tell you that I still am very close to you. That you’re with me everywhere I go.
I want to tell you all these things you wouldn’t believe, but that are the beautiful gut truth.

I want to tell you that the shirt you gave me that last day, is now in a plastic ziplock bag beside my bed and I smell it everyday. It is the last thing I smell before I go to sleep.

I want to tell you that I keep looking for your truck to pass by my work.
I want to tell you that I took a picture of your license plate the day I dropped it off at the repair shop. So if ever there was a look alike truck, I’d be able to tell it was you.
I want to tell you that I walked by the tree we climbed together on our first hangout. And cried.
And laughed.
At the same time.

I want to tell you what Z says about you and how it always makes me tear up.

I want to tell you that my heart is full of you. That looking for anyone else is so far from what I want to do or am in the position to do.

I want to tell you that I have a 400 dollar ring on my dresser I bought in February for you. I want to tell you that I’m going to return it; not just because now is not a good time, but because I found one that you will love more.
I want to tell you that we’re supposed to be together.

But you already know that.

Gurd

You go to a five stages,three day camping festival event and you come back feeling like you were on a euphoric emotional high two of the three days and you understand that it’s been 5 years since you’ve been around that many English speaking people at once and that it is your first time you have ever even experienced bands and people and closeness the way that you did.

You see the tents come down and the piles of garbage bags and the dust from the cars driving out.

You arrive home and you play a song from the CD you bought of one of the bands you saw-one of the members of that band you went to public school with and whose mother taught you in grade 6.

And you cry.

It’s not a drop of the system. It’s not happy slid into a hole of sad. It’s an overwhelming mixture of memories and time and realization. That you just experienced all that. And the photos run your heart wild and before you fully understand,you’re craving to do more of things like this.
You can have lived on the other side of the world for years, visited multiple countries and drove through 90% of the states in America; but when your travel bug has gone mute, it is mere evidence that something will take it’s place.

Maybe you won’t figure what’s supposed to fill it up right away. But something will.

It might click when you’re dancing in a great furious next to a girl that you met 12 hours ago, or when you’re in a group of 7, having lost the three people you knew. It might click when you get home and your heart yearns to do it all over again.

To start an addiction of something new, because of a space that held something old.

Oh, that is a marvelous life particle to have obtained!

Will Be.

it is amazing
to think that
the rest of my life,
i will not ever forget these months
where
you and i 
spoke and wrote and typed and
were.
inside of 
are.
 
  like a sun and a flower
this bright.

  i could smother you
with affection.
oh i know i could
  i am able. 
when i listen to that song and those songs and these,
i know
  i could.
and when i feel, i felt and will feel,
oh i know i could.   

and time moves
  slower than we want it to
but
it’s us.
and embrace
this.

how we are
  now,
and
how we will be.

    oh  
what
we could do
would do
and what we

 will be. 

  oh  
what
we could do
  would do

and what we
will be. 

The Goodbyes Begin

The goodbyes begin.
My heart got heavier the closer I got to home and we pulled over twice on the way, to hold one another. The sun was rising and there was a big puddle of cloud that was being painted pink.
I am so tired and I am so drained and today I must do my sons first birthday party.
I am hiding in the living room while showers go on and footsteps happen and I don’t feel like talking to anyone today. My eyes sting and my hair is ugly and I don’t want to see anyone today.
He’s been my best friend for four years and we’ve hung out everyday for the past week. We do it to ourselves. Setting up attatchment camps and roasting care like we don’t want to think about what it will be like when we’re apart.
We created memories that I will always have rathered to do then not and when he pulled out of the driveway my heart sunk a hundred notches and I could barely make it up the porch steps.

This is what love does sometimes and it is good to think of it as a good thing. It is worthy of all my tears and heartache, my snotty nose and red eyes.. whatever it is, it can produce these feelings and that is a powerful thing.

A Point in Marriage

There is a point in marriage I think.
Well, there are a lot of points. But this one I’m talking about, it involves the decision of commitment. You take the vow on the day, for certain.
But it comes back numerous times throughout the marriage and you must make that conscious decision of ‘yes, i’m sticking with this’.
Maybe it doesn’t happen with everyone. Maybe some don’t really acknowledge the choice; that there isn’t one because of that first vow. But to me, a sign of love is making the choice continously. Because love is work. Love takes so much effort and it has more substance when it is something you choose to be in, rather than in because of a vow you made 6 years ago.

It can be a good thing to be aware that you can get out. And that you won’t, because of love.
Of course, in instances of abuse and the like- I would argue changes need to be made.
And if not, the commitment should end.

When we realise the power we have, the decisions we make are more valuable.
When we realise we are staying together, whether it is a question or not- we can be proud of that decision.
Let us feel bits of happiness for making a promise to be with someone for the rest of our life-and
keeping it.
The divorce rates are scary high and we know that marriage is work. It will almost be the hardest thing we do.
So let’s give ourselves some credit and acknowledge the fact that love has brought us here and it is love that will carry us through.