There’s Truth Under the Truth

i am sorry i was the one to disturb you
to wake the giant.
i wish it was someone else
and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.

when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else.
for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.

but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,

if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.

In developing this action of looking for honest,

I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.

I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.

I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually, 

 

you too, will reach your best.

Dangerous Haze

Your eyes carried a drunken love haze, so saturated in modesty and certainty.

If belief would grow trees, there’d be a forest in my front yard.
Because everything is believable about you
even when it isn’t.
By putting faith and trust into you, I remove my dictation and place vulnerability.

It may not be drunken, but it’s a love haze too.
And that makes us dangerous.

 

Get It Together

You can’t give the truth to someone who is stuck in a past of your lies.
You can’t give truth to someone that won’t accept it.
If you’re asking for the persons honesty just to plow it over with distrust,disfunction and emotional abuse,

don’t ask.
The cycle won’t end.

Before you stand on all your baggage to leap off and attack the one YOU asked the truth from, get your shite together.

 

You’ll find the truth you need in THAT.

 

 

.

You Did

Feathered your way in,
you did. 

With your soft confusion
you drank
from my trusted hands
that felt 
you get better.

And you got better,
you did.

With my rough ability
i lied
through my own heart teeth
an arrow went
that broke it all.

 

And you got worse,
you did.

 

 

My Experience at Bangkok Pattaya Hospital

All along I didn’t have as much faith in the hospitals here in
Thailand as I did for Canada. Not necessarily skillwise  but culture
wise. What’s most common. Or the fact I’m white.  That they would give
me a C section to get more money from us. Or feed my baby a bottle
when I had asked them not to. I just didn’t trust them. Concerns like
these that mounted over the months.
I’m not saying I ever fully did trust the staff. But I knew I was in
good hands. It was the best hospital we could have went to in the
area. If not in all of Thailand.

Our doctor I felt, was very abrupt at the beginning. I had wanted her
to tell me what she was going to do when she asked me to go up on the
table. I wanted to know things, to be told them so I wasnt laced with
confusion.

In the end I came to understand how we would work.
I’d  ask the hundred questions, even if on repeat, and she would answer
then to the best of her ability.
She was great. I am happy we went with her because she made me
feel like a pro in the end. And she wasn’t getting paid extra for that.

We may never know if our little Zeek needed to spend two nights in
ICU. Maybe we could justify one, but 48 hours? Apparently he had
swallowed too much fluid. And so when I saw him for the first time he
was in the clear box with two tubes in his mouth and an IV line in his
right hand.
He looked rough then but by the next day they had removed the mouth
tubes. I held him then for the first time and cried .
Our bill ended up being double what we expected at Bangkok Pattaya
Hospital… due to the ICU. Other than that the nurses were all very
helpful and nice, the recovery room was great, food wasn’t too
terrible and the doc came by to check up  on us a few times .

I’m pretty sure the entire birthing staff saw my boobs from day one. But
in the need if it all, it didn’t bother me.
I had a baby to feed and dang well if I was gonna scout out a lone
feeding space while my new baby was screeching.

It’s difficult to believe that only three weeks ago today it all
happened.
I stepped into the realm of motherhood.
And I sit so comfortably in the fact that I won’t ever not be in it.

From here on out.