I like him a lot.
He reminds me of you.
I like him a lot.
He reminds me of you.
I am shit at not doing what I need to do and great at doing what I want.
Last year I came to learn it,
this year I attempt doing it.
Situations where I need to make the choice that I need to.
I have to say that it hasn’t felt as freeing as I thought it would. Yes, there is some weight off my head and lightness in my heart, but there’s still this deep dissatisfaction.
That I let someone down. That I couldn’t be all that they envisioned me to be in their life.
I wonder if the more I choose to follow my heart, the less I’ll worry about keeping peace with people. I hope so because doing what I need to do shouldn’t be so difficult.
Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.
Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.
Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.
i am sorry i was the one to disturb you
to wake the giant.
i wish it was someone else
and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.
when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else.
for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.
but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,
if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.
In developing this action of looking for honest,
I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.
I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.
I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually,
you too, will reach your best.
It’s okay to not know what you want.
You may be under the impression that you are supposed to know. That knowing will make your life feel like it has some sense. That you have direction and a focus, a purpose.
And since all of the above is true when we really do know what we want, I think sometimes we fake it. We choose something that is similar, something that is more obtainable to us then the real thing. We want for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes we may even begin to believe that it is what we want.
That gets scary. And weird. Your whole being is off and you may find you are more unhappy then not. Maybe it is more subtle then that and you feel uneasy or hesitant to make decisions. Maybe you stress over conversations you’ve had in the day or are uptight about how you can’t crack an egg properly for the lives of you and your house mates.
Sometimes pulling a few minutes from your closet and sitting with just that and your heart, you’ll find it’s telling you something. Sometimes it’s things we don’t want to hear. It may be difficult to admit that you’re not really chasing what you want but more the idea of it or so someone else doesn’t get it.
It is better to conclude you really are uncertain about what you want in life -or on a smaller scale, situations -then it is to push on in a direction that isn’t reflecting your heart.
It won’t work that way.
That is one of the many things experience has taught me.
If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life is pointless or flawed. We learn things at different times in our lives. Everyone has there own space and time and flow.
So just go with that.
Even when it surprises you.
Because believe it or not, your life is always flowing. Even when you feel stuck.
Your eyes carried a drunken love haze, so saturated in modesty and certainty.
If belief would grow trees, there’d be a forest in my front yard.
Because everything is believable about you
even when it isn’t.
By putting faith and trust into you, I remove my dictation and place vulnerability.
It may not be drunken, but it’s a love haze too.
And that makes us dangerous.
No wonder people say, ” I’ll be there in 10 minutes!” when they really know it’s more like 20. No wonder we curve the truth just a tiny tad bit so that the other beams at the response. It’s easy to. It feels a heck of a whole lot better then saying the truth and getting a reaction that makes them-and then yourself- disappointed.
No wonder people opt to say nothing, instead of the truth.
We have gotten worse at handling the truth and so we’ve got better at lying.
We’re kind of like babies. We’re a lot more sensitive then we were, can’t cope as well as we once did and when Parent says, ” Please put your shirt and shoes on “, we scream a lot louder.
Pleasing people. A lot of us do it. And it’s no wonder.
Being defeated by our own choice of vulnerable exposure is tiring. Draining. And hurts.
I suggest we watch for the reactions that will hinder peoples’ openness. When we react agressively or with silence, we’re only doing no one a favour. Appreciating and vocalising value for the choice of telling makes it easier for that person to tell you more things. In turn it makes for a closer, stronger relationship.
You can’t give the truth to someone who is stuck in a past of your lies.
You can’t give truth to someone that won’t accept it.
If you’re asking for the persons honesty just to plow it over with distrust,disfunction and emotional abuse,
The cycle won’t end.
Before you stand on all your baggage to leap off and attack the one YOU asked the truth from, get your shite together.
You’ll find the truth you need in THAT.
If we can’t be truthful to our cyber world, how can we trust ourselves?
So while I was dancing around, I thought of the truthfulness in WordPress.
There must be lines.
We stretch truth, we exagerate to make it read out better. To make the story better. We change words around to make our point work.
I understand there are tons of fictional pieces out there and that they are categories all themselves.
But this written real life stuff: if we get good at adding bits and pieces in cyberworld, do we start getting good at doing that in real life? Are we already good at it and it’s just folding over into Cyber ?
If we can write fake things that we say are true and not feel guilty about it, isn’t that a problem? If we can’t be true to people we’re likely to never meet, how can we expect ourselves to be true to…ourself?
I’m just assessing this all for the first time and I’m not so much afraid, I’ll just be more aware of what I type out. To make sure it is coming from the gut and the actuality and the full fledge reality of my life.
Because I need to make it right and being truthful to all you out there is not just the process but is the way.
WordPress can bring truth.
But only if you stop lying to it.