Even the strongest swimmers can only flail for so long.
Restless and Patience propped up in a box that has those cardboard walls
that get drawn on in the night with magic markers and a new box of crayons that at the end of the session are half broke and laying in an ocean of crayon dust.
Keep on turning my Feelings into Being.
Realistic and Sensible and sometimes hold back my inappropriate.
For even though I know there is a time where inappropriate turns into appropriate , the time isn’t now. And I have to respect that. And I want to too.
Even if Patience and Restlessness battle on and off in their box.
That’s the way it is.
For right now.
Welp, Day 21 was a total bustaloo.
And it weeped itself into Day 22 but I pulled myself together and out of anger/sad I mega ab focused in the basement. I may have cried two or three times in my 20 minute workout but I felt better when I was finished.
our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth
and we second guessed it
but it came back,
it always comes back
we always come back
don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance
for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves
the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls,
not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold
We’re a deadly thriller purpose
all the ingrediants of a natural born cause.
a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always
even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over,
me and you
will unite in flight officially
as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky
and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides,
we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue
along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears,
filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing
raise our wings
Some of us like routine.
Some of us stick to the things that we know and don’t venture on the unknown.
But how’d ya figure out you liked steak?
How’d you know you liked wearing silk over cotton?
And you know you like coffee. You actually have one every morning?
Here’s why you know:
At some point in your life you ventured out for a moment and whether conscious thought or not – you thought, ‘ Hey,I’m going to try this. I’ll have this. I haven’t tried it before’.
And now it’s the only perfume you wear. Now it’s the only toilet paper you use.
You couldn’t go about your routine without your Apple product! No!
Don’t get too stuck in your ways. You brave a little of the unknown in life -and yes-
it could be a sad,unwanted outcome,
but it could also end up being the girl you happily spend your life with.
All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.
I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.
I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.
In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.
You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.
You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.
You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except
you can change little particles of it.
but you don’t want to.
Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.
Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable.
It all makes sense.
In the midst of feeling defeated, ready to give in, give up and not give a shyza about either,
there’s this person named Will.
The Will to fookin’ live.
I’ll shark my way into the system of casual beaded motion.
I’ll take the drops from the bottom of the Atlantic ocean
I will make fish swallow the universe.
I’ll clip my choices on the everlong bend of wire.
I’ll take a match and light the whole fucking thing on fire
I will make the clouds blow into the sea.
I’ll soul my self with a thumbtack of sewing.
I’ll take a boat and I’ll do all the rowing,
I will land on ground that feels like a steady world of strength and power.
So my leap last night, shall be explained as such:
A skittling speeded up motion of a caterpiller on a log. Crimpling around into a cocoon he makes. Brittle edges-but fast remember. It’s all fast, jittery, unanticipated motion.
Then skip to the next part. Where the butterfly begins cracking open the home. Fast, jittery, everywhere motion. A wing,an antenna. A leg. Crackling, big.
And then the whole creature is out, putting legs together and then and then, a slow now, a slow motion burst of angelic, unstable lift. Off the log. A flap of the wings, one, two, up now.
HAAACHA GRUAH CHOMP.
There’s a lizard. And it crushes the first few breaths of that butterfly. Dissolves any notion of living. Any more ideas of flapping and flying and eating and being pretty.
That was my attempt at a leap.
It sucked, it did.
But you know,
that lizard gets a sense of movement beyond him. And he drops himself into a change of colour. Blending and stopping all killing. Instinct to staying alive in the midst of danger.
The butterfly is weak, one leg torn off. A wing crumpled, an antenna bent.
It has wings still. It can fly. It can fly, it can fly.
So push off from almost her death bed, she rises, with a new burst of self.
I will live, I will live, I will leap again she says.
I will leap again.
Trying so hard to make something broken work.
Trying to get it back together. Trying trying trying.
And part of trying is waiting. Timing. Letting time pass. It’s a little agonizing.
It’s not that fun.
Not that fun at all.
Oh I cling to hope like I have never before and try and press my thoughts to the sides of better walls. Don’t go in circles, don’t go in circles, you’ll only get dizzy and fall.
Stay upright, stay a strength of stable. Hold onto your hope and time.
It will work out, it will work out, it will work out.