It Came to me Now

This week has been a blasted turbulence of more turbulance on top of more blasted blasts that are turbulancing terrifficaly and and and….

oh LIFE. 

What are we gonna DO with you!? 

Certainly not LIVE you. Heaven forbid! 

I thought the break up was rollercoastery. No. That’s just pure sad and mad and down in the dumps, no coming up for air until you’re forced to eat a taco salad that takes about thirty seconds to demolish because your stomach hasn’t felt anything in it cept for booze and pills and the occasional drops of water for two weeks straight.
No man, that is a stationary bike in the depths of initial fear and loss.

This here, is about as light as a ping pong ball and football shaped  so it’s bound to go everywhere you are not and at the slightest wiffle of wind.

I could sense change was coming. But I considered it to be a one time decide your fate in a day type of thing.

No, this here is you thinking your ‘ex’ are broken up for GOOD after a 5 month here and there sightage, and you being finally basically okay with it and you do your mental swipes and heart swipes and you start prepping those parts for a new journey and as you switch your view forward your ear is slammed with a phone call that is him requesting sightage.

And you are splattered like a fresh broken egg in a sizzling pan.

You are stronger then you were but strength isn’t always smart. You feel powerful but weak at the heart knees. You’ve propped yourself up to this easel of beautiful disastery and you’re continuing to brush colour onto the canvas, just as he.

You blame no one but yourself until the blame turns into a statue of rust and it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve never felt more okay with either outcome because you have essentially done all you can and you know that everything you do in this time together, will represent what you desire. That’s all the cards you want because you’re not playing any games. You’ll Go Ex, not Go Fish.

You’re learning how to deal with the continual and familiar shit feelings. You’re making tough skin and it feels bold and refreshing. You’re gonna be the next new bag of Doritos.

Simply put,

You’re on a rollercoaster and it’s not because you can’t get off it,
because even if you could
you’re not going to fight to because you’ve finally understood that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

 

A Thai Funeral

We can all admit. Funerals just suck.
I haven’t found anyone that likes to go to them.
But they happen and we know that to go is the right thing to do.

I’ve never been to a Thai funeral.
And it just so happens that neither has my husband.

It also just so happens that his fathers’ is the first one we attend.

and it sucks.
More than a Western Funeral.

It wasn’t written down in his will but he had repeated to Morgan and his Thai wife that he wanted his funeral held at Wat Phala. Not Wat Ban Chang. ( Wat – Temple ) This was one thing he was adament about.
It was his dying wish basically.
It makes me cringe, it makes me almost hate her.. for having the funeral at a different temple.Because it was more convienent for all her friends to get to… It disgusts me and enrages me and Morgan and I stand to the side after continually stating that it is not what he wanted. But that doesn’t matter because he is dead now and the Thai’s don’t quite care about the dying and there last requests.
It’s sickening.
And so there we are, where we shouldn’t be. And the body arrives in a little patrol pickup truck. and men get out and they carry Martin with blankets over his body, onto the wooden table at the front. He lays there for 4 hours while we stand around and sit around and while Morgan and his step brother and sister and friends and step mom take water from a bowl and pour it into their Fathers hand- which was forced open 10 minutes prior.
I do cry here. And I know I’m the only one that is.
The body is just there. and thats what i can’t get over. I can see his boots sticking out the whole time and his right arm with all his bracelets sticks out too.

It disturbs me and it is mainly just because it is not what I am used to.
It is not how we deal with the dead.
But in the end, it really is all okay because I am here in Thailand and this is their way and I have to respect it reguardless of what I’ve known.

I hope that when you come across something in your life that makes you want to reject or to ‘uninvolve’ yourself just because it is what you are not used to, that you don’t.
I hope that you put on your guts and go through with it.
For respect, for strength, to be better after it’s all said and done.

How we Could Be

i think sometimes we underestimate the power of a smile. i think
sometimes we know that we should of smiled.

i think there are a lot of things we do and do not do,
things that irritate us when others do them or dont do.
we do them unknowenly.
this is because we are people.

we should probably hold more doors open and ask more questions.
we should learn to listen better too.because we all know thats partly
how people determine your care.
we should give out more compliments.
we know how they make us feel.

when it comes to our parents,we can always be nicer to them.we can
always be more present with them, our siblings and our relatives.
i think our patience and our understanding could use a little
maintence work every once in awhile-so that we are able to stretch
further and become more tolerable.

we need to learn how to turn to our inner core and get loose in
situations.  to not be so rigid and unbendable. To adapt with good heart.
we need to let others reach us, to connect and relate.
we ought to be more aware and in tune with their struggles; even our
own. to become more knowledgable with people and how they work.
communication is an art able to be bettered.

we should try and be more expressive with how we feel towards others,
towards ourselves. really knowing who we are as an individual is the
biggest part in living a full life. but this is a never ending task.
it is something we should take the paperwork for-everywhere we go.

i think we should take more time to colour in colouring books and play
hide and seek. i think we should climb more trees. To exercise more
often. we should probably eat slower and eat less to.
we could try and figure out the things that make us feel better about
ourselves, and actively do more of that.we could consciously reward
ourselves for the accomplishments we achieve too.
things should probably be more in moderation in our life than they
are.
but not smiles.
smiles are best left unlimited. smiles are like
what water is to trees. smiles soak into peoples souls as it does into
the ground. roots suck up this liquid treat like people suck up the
smirks and the grins. no matter the soil, skin colour or disablility,
water and smiles sow seeds of happiness. where the leaves fall, where
the smiles land, new beauty and new energy are sure to grow.
so within all these things we could do, let a smile be the permenent
backdrop, let it be behind everything we do. if we need to focus on it
and nothing else, do so. it is repetition that will make these
actions ones we don’t think twice about.
it will become our bark and our branches. apart of us in every way.