Identity

My coffee had a belly.
It went under the second I swished it around it’s mug.
Or is it my mug?
It has more ownership being inside of it afterall.
That is not to say being inside a woman, you own her.
So maybe safe to say, it is the mug I am sipping out of and the coffee I have made to go in it, is just that.
It is it’s own identity and the mug and I,
too.

The Sun and I

I spent time with Sun last week. In flaming glory she relayed her weekend. My chuckles were riddled with craters of approval. If I could be as hot as her, I would do those things too!

We held a heated discussion, full of sizzling stories and depth the colour of red hot. She had to know I understood the rays of her beauty.

With not so much as a breath of effort she warmed my insides.

I respect her and her tolerance, her dry humor and the way she dances and dials.
Oh Sun, you’ve got me all hot and bothered
and I like it.

 

Resume for the Life Job

Me
100% Lively Lane
Livavillity, World
BU 4URA QT314

——————————————————————

Objective: To create a happy and carefree ( but not too carefree ) way of life. To maintain a positivity that I bring with me, full time.

I’m a qualified human being- I was born into this world and I have a beating heart.
I’ve excelled in many areas of life, I’ve strugged here and there but I push all the way through it, until I am out of it. And then I’ve gained something. I am always gaining something.

I drive a 1988 Tenacious Endurance NonBored NonEscape.

Education:
I have went to the school of Experience.
And I have a degree in it.

Skills:
Understanding
Listening
Accepting
Awareness
Being Better
Trying

 

References:
Me

——————–

I’m here, applying myself to life.
And I’ll do it over and over again.
Even without the paperwork.

 

Soft Warm Coat of Understood

When I look into your eyes, a warm coating of understanding
suddenly wraps around me.

 

I am seeing you differently
and not because our relationship status has changed.
It drizzles down my neck, my throat.

 

I am looking at you, seeing different
because inside me,
I am a new person.
A new shape of a being.

 

 

I now look at you with strength and confidence
I am powerful because
I finally am conscious
of not only who I want to be or how I want to be,

but that the change has taken shape.

 
I am not afraid of

me

 

or you.

 

 

I know I would never do what I’ve done
to you
again.

 

 

I am a good, a better
person.

 

 

I am ready to love
my best,

 

 

my eyes
looking into yours,
the
perfect way
to

 

understand this.

 

 

A Guilty Past? No Thank You.

No. I don’t need to feel guilty about my past.

He probably half meant to and half didn’t.
Make me pick up bags of guilt when I thought of my past, and carry them around with me in my days of present.

Half meant to and half not.

I have two large tote boxes-well, the regular size used for storage- full of journals,diaries,binders, notebooks— my past writings.

Going through them the other day I pulled out recognition and familiraity.
I write of insignificant happenings in my life then, that at the time were all that I could see or think about. They were the hugest particles that I made my life about.

It clicks into place as my eyes skim over words I wrote 15 years ago.
10 years ago.

Not only did I survive those stories that are in my binders, notebooks, and journals, but I created more meaningful relationships after they were over. They DID end and I was able to carry out more in depth friendships because of the individual I had become based on those trials.

Who says past has to make one feel guilty when it can be the very thing that makes the present make sense and bearable and understandable.

 

 

Learning Love

It swims in violet swirls as I am finally understanding fully, that I am learning about love. That I am learning what it really means to love. And it is difficult.Learning AND Loving. And the reason I never knew much about it before now is due to the fact that I always ran when it got tough. When I didn’t like something and told myself it was a big deal, it was easy for me to step out- for I had never fully given myself. I hadn’t become vulnerable enough. I was too stiff and scared to risk.
My standards are still high, but now I see better, the love I have in me.
I have felt loved before, I was always loved. But this love means the most to me. And why? Because this love comes from someone that has seen and dealt and cried and feared and hurt so badly for my mistakes; from who I was before all this. And. They Still love Me.

So now, along with the past seven months, I go through the active repercussions of my past choices. I see that at the same time there is the pain that love can bring someone, the incredible drive to continue is also present.

And THAT, is something that makes me love better.

Experience is the best teacher, even if it hurts the most. These days I’m prooving to myself that I love deeper than I ever have before.
And that’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for three A’s in grade 12.

 

 

Under the Stand of Intrigue

I knew he liked me. I knew his eyes were on me as I sat, conversing with another. I knew the lines out of my mouth sputtered up his brain wave lengths. I could tell by the surprise gleam that coated his eyes the instant my line was out. I knew in his reactions, he was intrigued.

I kept my distance.

But it was a feeling I recognized. This is what I used to catapult for. I could live off of this feeling. I do not think I am complex. But I am creative.

At least in one category or another.

As I have got older, I meet more people that have more experience. Like me.Less surprises them.  As children we go so much with the flow because we do not know what to believe, what to understand or trust and growing makes us more aware. We are not surprised at much. Then we reach that bubble of our personality that determines what we are surprised at. And it diminishes over time because we become accustomed to it.

I don’t live for that intrigue anymore. For those reactions.
I think that’s part of the reason why I’m shuffling around. I think I thought that was my purpose. At least something that I knew made me happy. But in the end it isn’t sustainable happiness.  I can’t interest everybody at the rate I would like while dating someone. I think that was a difficult pill to swallow.
But it is good, very good, to have come to that conclusion.

A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs.  I refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be  interference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.