Breaking Down in the Last Week

My head is spinning and I’m whirling myself into people’s arms hoping to make some impact.Hoping they won’t be able to forget me and I am neglecting my child and own sister and mother and it hits me today that going back is going to be harder than ever before. Not exactly the leaving part. But the living there part. I have now experienced this life with friends and child.I have finally combined them too in a rapid pace and I am clinging to it.
I have no energy for my child. I am pushing him away as I step outdoors and gulp the last of this air. The people glow. I am feeling guilty and worn and my voice is half gone. I am pushing myself on 5 hours of sleep at night. I am doing as much as I can in the time I have. I am getting frantic and simple things are now making me whimper. Planning to meet people is becoming difficult and I am snapping at my mother.
My ends are unravelling and I feel at this point I have no control. Nor do I want to. My eyes are set on here and now. On the stuff that I won’t have for much longer. I tell myself I’ll be better in Thailand. That I’ll fix this madness. That there won’t even be anything to fix. But deep down I know, something is up. I’m not a good mother here and I don’t know if I will be as good of one over there as I was before I left to visit Canada.
I am scared.
I am emotional.
I am breaking down.

Visit is Ending Soon-Preparation

Two weeks before I go.
Once Thailand hits my feet, there will be plenty of change.
Putting house on market. Possibly getting rerouted to work out of Nakon. A town in the middle of no where-which is where we started out before pregnancy entered our lives.
It is emotional these days as I feel the weight of the clock hand ticking. People I see now-it may be the last time I do.
Because it has happened before.

Our plan to move back to Canada is happening faster than we thought. And as I sit at the counter in the house I grew up in, it seems difficult for me to grasp it. Like I’m not ready to handle the move. To start the process.
But it is because I am here. In the country I am in. Two weeks left.
When I think of what living in Canada will do to us, how it will change our relationship dynamic completely… I hesitate.
Let me get through this big change first. Of leaving the ones I love behind. Of leaving the places and smells and food I love. Of leaving my attatchments and ability to speak properly. Conversations and pictures I gleam for.
Let me get through the airports and tears and weakness. Through the 18 hour hour flights and the sleepless 24.
I must build for that now. To mentally prepare so that I can do it without falling apart in the isle on the Boeing 777.
I am strong and my focus must be slowly directed there. For that is how I can do it, each and every time that I have.