Pedalling For Answers

My t-shirt arms were wrapped around you.
And then my arms were still there but the t-shirt was not.

And your t-shirt was not either.

And there we were.

Un T-shirtin’ together.

——

I dropped off some spaghetti and garlic toast on your infamous front porch around 5.

Around 8pm I replied to your thanks and said Goodnight,  for I was hopping into bed.

32 minutes of texts forth and back and then I was,
driving over there. Again.

I had a backwards hat on and upon 3 seconds in the door we were hugging and my face against your neck my lips brushing your skin and silence and holding and we were not not in touch the rest of the night. You didn’t even let my hand go when you led me towards the front window to see the new streetlights put in.

And this time we talked in focus. I pedaled for answers about our direction. Your feelings. If you could give me any reassurance.
But you didn’t want to give me an answer about the future. You want us to work toward personal goals without the influence of the idea of us being together or not. Which I get.

But it sure as heck is hard.
And it was.

You’re the best sex I’ve ever had.

And it’s not just because we’re broken up.

You tell me you love me and you ask if I love you and we’re in that stuff- love love love and we look into the portals of one another’s soul and all I see is pure and for all the minutes we spend till 3 in the morning – the future doesn’t matter.
What matters is these moments in that time and pedalling anywhere other than in that capsule of space, is the only place I want to be pedalling in.

 

 

 

 

 

Actions

In Thailand a few months before the end, i would have a few drinks right after it hit noon.
As if that justified having them so early.
Each time I come back to Canada to visit, I would go out a lot drinking with friends.
My mom sees me having a few drinks now, and gets worried that I’ll  fall into that drink groove.
I understand her concerns. I really do.

Sure a lot of this could be coping?
I guess we will find out a few months from now.

I do still feel pretty young sometimes. Like I’ve not matured or grown up fully. Well I know I haven’t.
When you’re doing the things you used to do five years ago?

Actions may come from a dark but meaningfu place, but
it’s difficult to launch out when you’re actions are what’s keeping you In.

Country to Country: People and Interaction

The last three visits I have made to Canada, have been for two months at a time.
Going into it my brain and heart know this. Going through it, my brain and heart know this.
Even though I absorb and seem to mesh into Ontario life quite easily, it is more what it appears like and not what it is.
Since I already know this is temporary, the impact is greater and longer lasting. Conversations are always so much better after I’ve been away. Clicks in my head happen at the slightest things. At things like understanding my rapid mumbles. I am impressed with people and their ability to pick up on feelings and senses. I am humbled by human nature and somedays, it even brings me to tears.
I won’t even have grasped the entirity of my stay- my confrontations and conversations- before I go back.. and knowing this, is just another of those alterations.

I always was a bit shy with my eyes but.. I was better at speaking. I knew where I was going with my sentences and I didn’t feel like the world was spinning backwards and I had to run to keep on top.
And now, when it comes to interaction, there is more that I feel.
And that always makes me feel connected…
and distracted.
So when I’m at an event full of people I haven’t seen in years, there are obligations and conversations that act as magnets and some that lack concentration. I am all over the map as I tighten up my hair elastics and hop right into their train of thought and go. Two miles later while it is still moving, I am getting out. And in that three minute train ride I’ve calculated my insecurities and outwitted my doubts, I’ve surprised myself with my bold and confident form, and I’ve seen someone else that I need to talk to.
So I hop on the next train.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was all over the map.

When it is all said and done, whether it be weddings, a pub or a funeral party, a downtown group I know well.. I end up reeling in goodness. And also in bad.
It matters that people make effort. It matters that they drive 20 minutes to see me. It matters that they pick me up on ten minute notice and drive me to get a Greek salad without olives.
Being outside of this country has given me new appreciation for friendships and has helped me self reflect in a lot of ways.
Even though I value effort, I know I love certain people by the way that I will go to them.
Every single time.
And it circles back to the fact that I know I am only here visiting. I can do this much now, because in two months time I will be away from the opportunity.

I will not have unloyal or disrespecting friends. I will not have friends that ignore me.
Each new time these two month visits are over, a slew of Facebook friends are deleted.
It doesn’t take a life in another country and then the reentry, to figure out that some people just aren’t wanted in my life anymore..
but that’s the way it happens for me.
And that is where the bad comes in.

It is likely considered dissapointment.
In which; I feel sad when someone I thought would, doesn’t.
I get cocooned and it becomes interesting when I turn it inside out and have the fuzzy touching me.
Because I too, am capable of effort.
I too, can make the approach and dismiss the current car I am in.
If I value that person enough, why shouldn’t I.
I take this fuzzyness and accept how I don’t care to wrap it around people that I used to.

When it comes to people in my life, the selection becomes something I am more selective about. Life is busier and time is more valuable so the people I want to be with, had darn well better be special.

It is Happening

I’m doing it.
I’m going to make a trip back home. It will take 2 planes, 18 flight hours, 8 hours in 3 airports, and a 4 hour car ride.

It will take a day and a half.
To get from one side of the world to the other.
My nine month old,
will be in my arms.
I am shaking at the idea.
And it is still two weeks away.