Dizzy but Not Waiting

You stood there in my life and I wondered what you were doing besides making my heart and head go merry go round crazy.

‘You were figuring it out,’ I had supposed, and I gave you time to do so.

All the while collecting dizzy.

I took my energy and I pummeled it into exercise- I didn’t want to wait around idle. It felt good and eventually it felt less like I was waiting about and more like I was living my life. 

 

Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

Rising Mentality

Whirl of words stacking as they twist behind my ears and on my eyes. The lull slams into my system, beige and heated
and I always feel one of two things:

#1 : Agitated. ‘Not again.’ This matter of fact,
” You’re still in the same position,” chortle
into my face.

#2 : Motivational Burst. ‘ Been here too many times, let’s actually
make the difference this time. ‘

My mind feels like it’s about to birth this exceptional mentality that I’ve only had a few times in my life. That determination and strict are going to enter the picture and turn me forceful into what I want for myself.

I am waiting still, I will not push for it, I will let it come to me– for the rest of the contents to seep into my system.

 

 

 

 

Different Miss

I’ve been in the disease of missing before.
Living away from the country and people and love that was around me, things that had become giant parts of me over the years.
 Yeah, it’s easy to feel disconnect when you’re not surrounded by the familiars of you.

And then you’re in the city you grew up in and after experiencing that miss, it seems more severe, more hurtful and in a way…pathetic.

I’ve established that it is miss
but a different miss, a different longing.
And all the capabilities and potential you have around you, is what makes it stronger. You get into that whirlpool of feeling sorry for yourself and that just makes you miss ‘happy you’ even more. So now you’re not only missing what you started out missing, but the absence of feeling stable. 

As powerful as homesickness can be, when you have all the tools, the language and the same culture at your hands’ existence yet only feel that one thing can fix it, you’ve kind of got it even more backwards.

I just fricken miss you and your 8 minutes away and you miss me too and I’m trying not to wait but I know I am. For you to say, ” Yeah, what are we doing. I want to be with you, I want to be with you no matter what has happened in the past. “

I know you miss me because after two days of zero contact, my phone dings at 7:08 am and it says Geeze I miss you.

 

 

 

My heart aches.

Idiot Hope

Let’s name our child Fucker and hope that he doesn’t get made fun of.

Let’s put a red balloon in a room and hope it doesn’t touch one of the thousand spikes that line the walls.

Let’s build our house with sand and hope it never rains.

Let’s buy 3 dollar shoes from some second hand store and hope they last us through a week of hiking mountains in South America.

Let’s go to Las Vegas and hope we don’t lose 10 bucks on the strip.

Let’s hope as soon as we step in front of a camera we’ll be the next Leonardo Dicaprio.

Let’s eat all the burgers, chocolate and sour and sweet candy we can and hope we don’t gain weight.

 

 

Let’s hope we’ll get back with our ex in the next year.

I’ve got to believe it’s idiots hope, if I’m ever gonna let it go. 

But how you supposed to let the hope go, if you truly believe in it?

Is that what makes it idiot hope?

 

 

I got to the Top..and then

Quality.
I had a lot of friends. I really did. I was so likable.
And I ran so hard with it until I reached a hill and in order to get to the top to see the beauty from there, I chose to discontinue all my relationships. I was okay in doing so, because I was determined. I had to lighten myself.
And not by dropping pounds.

I reached the top but it turned out the weather up there was foggy dust. Dark. and the ability to see much of anything besides slivers and speckles of light far off was truly difficult.

I’m still standing on it. I’m not running down to pick up my old friends. I’m going to stand here, nice and strong like a big oak tree and I’m going to do what I can to clear the skies.
It tooks months to reach here afterall,
and I’m determined to make what I believe in,
come out of the dark.

Waiting it Out

Trying so hard to make something broken work.
Trying to get it back together. Trying trying trying.
And part of trying is waiting. Timing. Letting time pass. It’s a little agonizing.
It’s not that fun.
Not that fun at all.

Oh I cling to hope like I have never before and try and press my thoughts to the sides of better walls. Don’t go in circles, don’t go in circles, you’ll only get dizzy and fall. 

 

Stay upright, stay a strength of stable. Hold onto your hope and time.
It will work out, it will work out, it will work out.

One of those First Day Posts

I didn’t think I wasn’t capable, just that I wasn’t the type to feel that way. I even thought about it and felt that brushing it off and getting on with my day, was how I would deal with it. So when leaving my son on his first day of daycare with a welling rise in my throat and gloss already forming on my sight, well, it kinda threw me off.
But it didn’t either.

It didn’t feel THAT weird. It just felt weird that I didn’t expect that reaction of mine.
It felt good and it felt weird that it felt good.

I had visions of him without me, interacting with unfamiliar people and being so…alone. Those images packed into my brain without warning throughout the day. I called two hours after I left him, to make sure he was doing fine. Of course he was.

I arrived 10 minutes prior to leaving time and circled the block about three times and felt like a funny mom, laughing at myself for how ridiculous and how proper all of that, all of me, was.

He survived his first day and so did I.

And the real special part was when I walked into the room and he saw me from across it and jumped off his horse and ran and ran and ran right to me with his little arms outstretched to hug my bones, my self, my life, my love and I immediatly felt cry come up my insides and curve to the ceiling and I knew I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I wouldn’t be able to form edible words and so I signed out quick and got him to the truck and talked to him all the way home about his day and loved and loved and loved. And when we got home I sat with him, close to him, with him touching my face and telling me he had missed me and holding my ears and sayin he had cried a little bit because he was ‘squared’ and ‘wanted Mommy there’.

I would never had understood any of those feelings from another parent if I had not experienced this day for myself. This day, those feelings, that love, that humanity.
Thank you heartbeat of mine, for sad and scared and wondering days like these. Where the trickling of all those sensations makes up a very, very life of a feeling. A heart swelling blooming living feeling, that you can’t forget once you know it.

Will Be.

it is amazing
to think that
the rest of my life,
i will not ever forget these months
where
you and i 
spoke and wrote and typed and
were.
inside of 
are.
 
  like a sun and a flower
this bright.

  i could smother you
with affection.
oh i know i could
  i am able. 
when i listen to that song and those songs and these,
i know
  i could.
and when i feel, i felt and will feel,
oh i know i could.   

and time moves
  slower than we want it to
but
it’s us.
and embrace
this.

how we are
  now,
and
how we will be.

    oh  
what
we could do
would do
and what we

 will be. 

  oh  
what
we could do
  would do

and what we
will be.