I wonder if when adults walk into the water just past their hips and stand there, if they are peeing.
And when you mix drinks all night, and go to brush your teeth with the desire to mix both toothpastes you have, on your brush.
How many of us parents on a regular basis rethink a specific moment in the day, of how we reacted poorly or that we could have listened harder? And wonder how your child is going to turn out and how much of an influence we are to them and that feeling of not ever being greater then we are.
In the future , will there be interactive movie theatres with control pads for every seat? And the majority of what the audience chooses, is what happens in the movie.
And if it’s a shitty movie, the only ones we can blame are ourselves.
Do we say thank you for the new acts of love that show up in our lives but not for the everyday ones?
Do we appreciate ourselves for the way that we love?
How often do I buy a bag of trail mix and add a whole other bag of smarties to it so I can trick myself to think I’m eating a decently healthy snack?!
It’s weird how my dry shampoo- before I brush it in, gives me a glimpse of what I would look like with grey hair.
I hope we don’t sacrifice too much of ourselves just to make a relationship work. Can we be happy doing that in the long run? And the sacrifices we do make, how do we know when there’s too many?
I awoke at 430am with my head launching repeated questions and thoughts of one of my lifes biggest decisons. The mind spinners that make your tummy ache alittle and your heart race a lot. The thoughts that are so powerful you dont even really have space to be angry with them for keeping you up.
Five years ago I made the decision to come to Thailand. Between now and that first decision, I also made the decision to live here. I don’t remember when it was, I don’t even know that there was a specific moment.
And so here I am laying in bed, wondering if I will regret this ten years from now.
Wondering if I will regret leaving behind all my solid friendships, taking myself out of the equations back in Canada and making one new one here. Will I wish that I would have held off? Will I tell myself that I should have let my early twenties be my drunk, silly and friendship-focused days? I feel a bit saddened and sorry, a bit lonely and worried. I feel outside of Canadian life and maybe that won’t ever really go away..
It scares me.
To think that maybe there will come a time when I will question all that I’ve done and wonder why I chose to do what I did. Maybe I will hate myself for having left people I loved, for moving away from so much laughter and happiness.
I think back to those years leading up to my departure. So much overflowing goodness in them that it forces me to question why. Maybe now that those memories are only just that, they have more of a rosey tinge than actuality. Maybe things had petered out and my friendships were dragging. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as I think it to be now. Maybe it got old.
Maybe in the end I won’t understand why, but I will just accept and believe in whatever reasoning it was back then.
I’ll probably have faith in my own self, to know that I did what was best in that time.
These thoughts continue to circle until I reach this deafening point.
I believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and if I did not meet my husband here and if i met him but did not love him enough to stay, then frankly, I couldn’t say I know a love as strong as this.
I have stayed because of love and that reason is the best conclusion I’ve ever had.