I don’t even know if that’s what this is.
But it sure feels odd.
I went shopping in the mall a few days ago and was thrown off big time. Not just because I didn’t know if I was supposed to fold up the clothes I had tried on or not, but because I realized I didn’t know what my style was anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted it to be.
I hadn’t shopped for winter clothing in years.
Skinny jeans are almost the only jeans people wear? And jeggings? What ARE those.
I didn’t use to be shy with employees. I would ask them easily, if they had this shirt in this size
I try and do it myself and when they confront me, I’ll even steer away from that.
Free Wifi at Tim Hortons? REALLY?
I’m used to paying for it.
I got pretty overwhelmed a few days. I’m not prepared for people and there questions. It is why I have only seen three friends in the week I have been back here. But the English is alot, it is fast and I listen but my words are still tangled and lost.
I had a good conversation with my Mom the other night and I walked away thinking, ” WOW. Life HAS that in it? Someone to listen like that? Someone to smooth out my thoughts and ideas?’
I’ve really been in my head and been wonderin how the heck do I get all this out. I must eventually get out what I want to do, the changes I want to make. To make it more real.
I am happy though. I know I will settle in. I will get things where I want them.
At least I know that one person I thought that might not want to see me, has seen me.
And we have meshed right back into how we were.
I wonder if I don’t trust love, because of the way I have loved in the past.
I wonder now, when people tell me they love me, if I have a harder time believing it.
I don’t know if I’ve ever believed in love I’ve had for my boyfriends.
Once the relationship was over, I always questioned if what I felt was really love,because of what I was doing. I wonder if I have ever loved outside of my family or best friends.
Everyone has their own idea of love.
But what if it is just as messed up as what mine has turned out to be.
I didn’t ever think I was a good lover because I knew I was not. But I still sailed on the idea that I was capable, just like everyone else.
But recently I have been asking myself, am I able to?
Will I ever love a man as much as he loves me?
Is it because I haven’t found that person, or is it because I have not found the truth inside of me that enables me to.
It’s in my ears as I walk the broken sidewalks, as I step onto streets, as I sit on concrete benches.
It twists everything into a lemon lime sugar flavour. It’s bitter sweet.
For a few different reasons.
I’ve went a long time without it and I see what it does to me. It amplifies every step I take, it makes every strand of hair that blows away from me have purpose. It gives a story to each person I see. It makes me feel.
Any of these feelings can be felt without the power of music. But the intensity is elevated.
Miss rushes in severe enough to make me want to stop the songs.
But I don’t.
If music is listened to a lot, once we take it out of our system, do we feel less towards life?
Does the recognition of how good it was to feel at such a level make us believe we will never be able to feel that way in life without music?
Do we begin to rely on it to make us feel?