Reversing Habits

In order to live life good, goes it have to be difficult?
When you are coming from years of a bad habit, to work against it on a constant basis, that’s not easy.
And ongoing after ongoing, it just feels like life is just this. Striving to rid yourself of something you accepted.
Oh but all the things to know beyond this place. All the things to learn about myself beyond where I am now. Is that the dig dug down fuel? Is that what I believe in?

Resume for the Life Job

100% Lively Lane
Livavillity, World


Objective: To create a happy and carefree ( but not too carefree ) way of life. To maintain a positivity that I bring with me, full time.

I’m a qualified human being- I was born into this world and I have a beating heart.
I’ve excelled in many areas of life, I’ve strugged here and there but I push all the way through it, until I am out of it. And then I’ve gained something. I am always gaining something.

I drive a 1988 Tenacious Endurance NonBored NonEscape.

I have went to the school of Experience.
And I have a degree in it.

Being Better




I’m here, applying myself to life.
And I’ll do it over and over again.
Even without the paperwork.



Rated R? ( Sometimes I get sweary )


I didn’t work today but this morning I walked into the store with a platter of skor bars I made the night before, talked for 20 minutes and bought a game and two bras and as I was standing there I realized I realized I realized

these are my fucking mother friends.

My mother fucking friends.

No, they don’t fuck moms.

these are the people in my life that know the most about what’s goin on in my life. It aint much, but it means something.

I was in the store because I missed them and wanted to see them and be around there happiness and I can’t believe my coworkers are friends I bake for and go into work when I am not working to be around.


I’ll just I’ll just, think of that as pretty, as pretty..::

the sum of that is awe sum.



Still caring for my wellbeing

You texted me alittle after when I was finished work and asked if I could text you when I got home. The roads were bad-slippery and snowy- and you wanted to make sure I got back safely.

We texted back and forth alittle while I waited for my Dad at the grocery store. And you questioned why I was there- didn’t the grocery store close at the same time as my store? – and I had to remind you that on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, we closed at eight.

That little texting conversation brought me back to your insecurity and distrust.
It didn’t add up to you and you immediatly thought the worst.

We have a lot of work to do, this I know.
But you caring for my well-being still?
That’s a lot.
A lot like love.


Finding Independence in Scary

I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.

Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.

A Point in Marriage

There is a point in marriage I think.
Well, there are a lot of points. But this one I’m talking about, it involves the decision of commitment. You take the vow on the day, for certain.
But it comes back numerous times throughout the marriage and you must make that conscious decision of ‘yes, i’m sticking with this’.
Maybe it doesn’t happen with everyone. Maybe some don’t really acknowledge the choice; that there isn’t one because of that first vow. But to me, a sign of love is making the choice continously. Because love is work. Love takes so much effort and it has more substance when it is something you choose to be in, rather than in because of a vow you made 6 years ago.

It can be a good thing to be aware that you can get out. And that you won’t, because of love.
Of course, in instances of abuse and the like- I would argue changes need to be made.
And if not, the commitment should end.

When we realise the power we have, the decisions we make are more valuable.
When we realise we are staying together, whether it is a question or not- we can be proud of that decision.
Let us feel bits of happiness for making a promise to be with someone for the rest of our life-and
keeping it.
The divorce rates are scary high and we know that marriage is work. It will almost be the hardest thing we do.
So let’s give ourselves some credit and acknowledge the fact that love has brought us here and it is love that will carry us through.

The Change in Meeting

I like meeting people.
At least, I used to.
It’s not at parties or bars anymore. It’s at play places or through my husbands work.
And that is never the same.
For a number of reasons. Not just because I’m not drunk but because they are twice as old as me.
Not just because I’m carrying an 8 month old but because I can’t flirt my way through the conversation.
That used to be my confidence. That used to be where I dug in my heels and planted myself firmly.
And I figure this all out as I’m listening to an older lady speak about books and how she thinks I should read this one when I can find the time. ( glancing down at my young one )
The dynamic, my approach has me reeling. Because it can’t be the same. It won’t be the same.
I flounder, trying to get a good grip, to get to a spot I am eager to play with.

I wonder at what age I will see adults as people just like myself. I wonder when I’ll accept the fact that I to, am an adult. Maybe there will always be stages and transitions and growing and learning. That’s something I should be okay with too. I love becoming better. Who doesn’t. Sometimes it’s work. Sometimes it is effortless.
Sometimes it takes a look into a brilliantly blue eyed 72 year old with a bamboo stick as a cane, to figure out that ‘hey, we’re all just living here’.

Learning Thai

I just had an hour foot massage.
During this time I had a conversation with a Thai woman, all in Thai.
It made me realise a few things.
My Thai has dribbled away into drops that are on the verge of evaporation and that my desire to learn the language
is gone.

It also started the other day when I skyped with my Dad who asked me if I was learning any more Thai.
It wasn’t until after I had said no, that I realised he was the one that had paid for my enrollement in 2010 at Ramkhamhaeng University. ( Yes, try pronouncing THAT right ) Which included a course of the Thai Language. Oh heck I learned alot in those few months. My brain was as switched on as it ever has been.
But my point is, I have disapointed him and myself. I had him even get me an apartment close to the school, so I could really live in Bangkok and focus on learning. Even though we both didn’t know I’d be staying longer than him at the time, I had said I wanted to be able to speak well, even if I only had a year left in Thailand. ( Two years later… )

In 2011, I had even begun looking for more courses to pursue my desire to learn the stuff.
Once pregnancy hit, POOF, I was out of the game and I didn’t even know it.

Even though we have at least another year here, if not two, I know now that I am even further away from learning the language then I was when I first moved here.
And it is because of the defeat. The lacking, the embarresement, the complete giving up notion that we all have experienced in our lives.

The words sound more foreign to me coming out of my mouth then they did when I first began learning.
If you don’t use it, you lose it.
I believe in that more than ever now.

Saying all this though, I do believe I have come to an acceptance of the whole thing.
I know too much of me is outside of this country and that I keep going back to it, looking beyond what is right in front of me.. and that’s something I have to work on.
But I do not think it is worth it now, to struggle with learning more of this language.
I have come to an understanding that the weight of it affects myself far too much,as well as my son and husband, and is more of a burden than anything.
and I’m okay with that.