The world sways its dress layers and spins it’s frill
it rushes its lakeful current
and sprays shuffle side tilt.
something steady under it all.
And I’m sitting in a couch chair and my feet don’t touch the floor cause I’m all the way back in it, and I feel like I’m all of 13 and a half age years oldyoung.
We all want to stay young in mind and body and heart.
Except for those seven wazoos out there who dream at night of rocking back and forth on a creaking wooden chair in the wee hours of the morning with china tea cups and a mouthful of gums.
For the mind:
Keep up with technology.
Yeah. You may dislike it, find no need for it. But it’s probably just because you don’t understand it. Often times we shy away from things we do not understand.
But get your butt out there and learn the ways of todays communication system. You don’t have to be an avid user, but learn the basics and go from there. You’ll find yourself being less harsh to youngsters and others will find you more approachable. They just will. People can sense that kind of stuff.
Also for the mind, there’s all kinds of brain books, websites, instruments, problem solving type of deals. Make it a thing to do one a day. Keep your brain active.
Exercise is quite the obvious when it comes to the body. I won’t get much into that besides saying the following:
If you find walking or biking boring, create your own movement. Kite flying? Sure! Playing the trumpet and marching around your living room? Yes!
I save the heart for last because it’s my favourite.
And because I just figured it out the other day. And probably because its really the reason for this post.
Any of the young 65,70 year olds I’ve met. Are confident. Hilarious. WITH it. They can joke about themselves. They didn’t try and resist the parts of aging that they couldn’t stop. Wrinkles,bad hips, knees.. etc. They have aura of self around them and they’re exerting that effortlessly.
I just think I’m always going to be young in my heart because I’m not embarressed anymore of my faults. I’ve taken who I’ve created-after assessing and accepting- and grabbed on. I ain’t letting meself go, I am merely going to add more beautiful colours and strength to me and I’m going to do my darndest to keep up with the place I’m living in and all humanity I’m surrounded by.
That’s a good chunk of life right there and what better choice to make than to be open to learning and to be friends with everything, including best friends with yourself.
Because if you’re friends with self, you’re gonna wanna live a lot longer with you.
And the drive behind living is incredibly powerful.
Let’s take a look back to the place I lived in for five years. Pattaya,Thailand.
It changed me.
As moving anywhere does.
Pattaya is a city of tourists,prostitutes,murders,drugs,wires,signs and deceit.
That basically sums up the negative.
But I am not such a cynical person that I find no positive of anything.
Fruit is wonderful, markets, 24hour 711’s almost within 4 minutes of anywhere.
Beautiful. Cheap clothes.
And there’s people that will drive you home so drunk you don’t even know where home is and they call your mom from you iphone asking and taking no money from purse and delivering.
Once in a lifetime that happens.
There’s also the time where you almost get raped by a so called friend and you set it up cause you went there alone in the dark and it waas in the middle of nothing but a pack of dogs so when you scream and bolt and run and run and have dogs chasing and you’re whipping stones at them and hoping hoping hoping you won’t feel their teeth on your leg, well that’s life there too.
I haven’t had many scary expeirences there. That I felt. Save for that one. So in five years, i think that’s doing pretty good. I mean, i putmyself in dangerous spots all the time. I truly did. I ate noodles in a stairwell at three am for 2 months straight on the weekends.
I bruised with reality. I tested it. I got so drunk i was shoeless in a massive downpour, water rushing down streets and alone and white wearing me , brother searching, me just drunk drunk drunk.
I like to believe that my non touristy brain, saved me.
That I could smell danger, I avoided. That I thought like them. That my knowlede of the city, the people, helped me. I was able to manevouer around people. My expertise at people, at Thai’s really came into play and I belive that the reason for my safety.
No matter what they say.
Cause they lie like they need the money.
And most of them do.
I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?