The End.

Well I’m jumping ahead here about one thousand pages but um. I sorta have to.

 

I didn’t cry.

 

I thought of as many reasons as I could, of how mean you were to me. How I’d never been treated so poorly in any relationship in all my time.
Till the very last drop I let myself believe I deserved it. That because I screwed up, it was okay. I have never been in an emotional abusive relationship. I never even understood them. But now? I have as much experience as a 400 acre hay field has hay.

Even after all my positive explaining. The reality in my soul of how I wanted us to work together and BELIEVED we could and laid out a plan and format we could use. The time it would take . ‘You can’t expect to trust me overnight, and I can’t expect you to. ‘

‘I’m not capable of being with you’, you said, ‘ I just wanted you around so that noone else could have you’.
For six months.

Six months.

 

I still love you. I’m not over any of this. I will profusely be shoving out any thoughts of you, of any of our existence. Until I can do so without sobbing. I still love you.
You don’t deserve me.  And I will say that over and over in my head each day for however long it takes.

I haven’t cried.

I still love you.
I am not weak. I am strong and fighting. Tomorrow I will be out running my legs, crunching my stomach,  pushing pushing pushing.

I will get through this, and so will you best friend, so will you.

 

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7 comments on “The End.

  1. Beautifully sad.
    Hope you are better, dear.

  2. calexandra says:

    This is a very emotional piece. I loved it, but I felt every word you were saying too. All things get better with time! Time heals… Hang in there 🙂

  3. coastalmom says:

    So many pieces of me here with you. So many memories. I wish I could tell you it gets better. It does. Slowly, life goes on, you meet new people, you even marry, have a couple kids, divorce, remarry and then when you are a bored empty nester and he has been unsuccesful in all relationships that have come in-between, he tries to reconnect at a time when you are vulnerable. You have penned imaginary conversations being said by the stronger version of you. The take no bullshit ever again version and what do you do? You are validated knowing that you are the “ONE” who got away in his head and it feels good. For a while he even allows you to say everything you ever wanted to say and tells you “this time” it’ all about YOU. Yeah right. Don’t believe it! Run like the wind!!!! Lepoards don’t change their spots!
    😉

    • Lively Life says:

      I totally see what you’re saying! I can also see that happen, at least, i want to believe that would happen. That years later he would want to start something up again! I honestly think that if i was in a good solid spot, i wouldn’t budge. However if i was vulnerable and lonely.. i think i would try out that leopard. Cuz’ you know, its deep and comfortable ground! It’d be so difficult to say no!

      • coastalmom says:

        It happened to me. And almost ruined my marriage. I was able to tell him everything I’d ever wished I’d said when he was so mean to me. My husband knew about him. When he friend requested me on Facebook I told my husband and he trusted me, thinking me getting closure would help our relationship. Long story short, he hadn’t changed. He wanted what he wanted and he got it. (Not all his fault) I got caught up in feeling young and fun again. I lost a bunch of weight and for a while didn’t care who I hurt. I regret that. But am glad it happened because it made me appreciate my husband in the end. There is just something about a first love or that special one that seems magical. But in the end, it’s not the love you miss, it’s the way it made you feel at that time of your life. But YOU are living in the good old days right now!!!! You have the power. Not him. Love WILL come again. And if you learned from the first one, you won’t accept less next time! There is a saying:
        Raise your sons to be gentlemen and your daughters to accept nothing less.
        I had my daughter write ten things she wanted in a man… kindness, humor, etc. You get it. And told her not to accept anything less. I’m asking you. To write a list of your own. And believe you deserve ever last thing on that list. He IS out there! Don’t go backwards.
        xoxo

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