Pistachios look like you shouldn’t eat them. They look like dried up partially molded baby skunk poops. Yet they are one of my favorite nuts. Unsalted. Am I a home wrecker because I sure feel like one, ripping the sides of their enclosure wide open. I like that I have to take 2 seconds to open them unlike popcorn where it’s a whole cram as many popcorns as you can fit in your hand and that sit without falling off as they take the ride up to your mouth. It takes less time to consume the calories is what I’m saying. So, thanks pistachios for having walls that protect you even though it doesn’t show.
If You’d Like To
Please tell me why I dislike when people say that to me. Or ‘ You’re welcome to”.
Oh. I see. It’s along the lines of another yuckity of mine.
I asked someone yesterday if they wanted me to come over. They replied, ” If you want to.”
I want someone to tell me yes they want me to come over. Yes, I want you to make your amazing chicken sauce, yes I want to read your notes and I want to go on a hike with you.
Call me the literal and the needy sometimes,
but hardline it. “If you’d like” to is just this soft, wimpy little inactive burr.
Yeah, ‘if you’d like to ‘ is giving me the option, but it sure as heck ain’t telling me you want me there and as a people pleaser, that could determine my decision and also my enthusiasm.
This does seem a little backwards and flaily. I can be my own advocate and make the green light decisions without the security of what people can provide. Can’t I?!
I just struggle with it.
Ooofff…. More to unpack.
More Control Equals Less
I fear my fear of losing control is what produces the uncontrol.
Some of it is just inevitable. And frankly, I’m sucking at dealing with it. My son is affected by Time- go figure. He’s gonna need me and want me around less. Resisting that just creates conflict.
In relationships, it’s okay to not have it. Why do I feel I need to have a certain grip on it. That I own it.
Am I that insecure?
Is the rest of my life so in shambles that I require some stability where it involves someone?
Oh. In the past, did I feel most confident and superior in relationships where I knew/felt I had the upper hand? And began relying on that as my peace of mind and source of happiness?
I have an unhealthy relationship with the stuff. Control.
Good larwd, the tangles I now must unweave.
Ohh, Now I Get It
A lot of things are coming up in writing these days that I realize were affecting my mood on certain topics. It is sense pushing through letting me know it’s alive down there and it changes how I handle that topic.
What I’m trying to say ( not really but I want to ) is that I’m thankful to have my brain and ability to connect the dots and how I’ve learned that being gentle and holding myself like a widdle baby wabbit at times, is the most important thing I can do. Not wimpy. But necessary.
Why Doesn’t He Just Ask Me
I heard the birds first- on the other end of the phone.
An oasis of calm and reflection in my ear in the kitchen
And then I heard the clink of the ice in his glass and his family’s dog
panting the drool out of its face
Just like I remember.
He gets in these states. Drunken justified calls to me.
And I just go along with them.
I don’t know what he wants from them or why he doesn’t just ask me on a proper date.
He just doesn’t know how to let go and I think it’s because he doesn’t want to.
Newfoundaries
I have rejected boundaries for years without really knowing I was and therefore not knowing why.
Recently slammed into my head that I need them.
After some inner discourse, I’ve established I rejected them because for me to have them was a weakness. It meant I was putting myself in a box, I was defective and that I didn’t have the skills necessary to handle what those boundaries would prevent.
I’m a strong believer in learning and adapting even in the difficulties so having boundaries-in my head, was shutting doors to opportunities.
Also, when you have no brick walls or plastic orange fences you don’t have to have the energy to make sure you or someone else doesn’t attempt to jump over them or plow through. It’s easier if they’re just not there. Then you can walk freely. Right?
This is what I feel led me to turning away from setting up boundaries.
More to come on the topic.
You’re Easy to Share With
Something like sharing easily
because, not just because
I can or want to
But because it feels like I can’t not
that you getting as many bits of me
is imperative.
Boundaries?!
I started writing this morning, not having anything in particular I wanted to write about.
An hour later, I had pages of the topic Boundaries.
And I am in new territory.
I didn’t even know this was a thing for me. An issue, a piece to some puzzles, like WHAT?
So anyhow, I have a bit to sort through with this one. I have been overwhelmed by how much content there is to unravel but I am also excited. Like. No boundary excited.
The Simple Things!
The simple things that I read about other people: how the oven was turned on and pots were forgotten inside, or how the hand cream lid popped off or how someone thought a metal duck in a pond was a real one for about 2 weeks. So relatable and is a comfort. Makes the world feel like a softer, safer space to exist in. We have so many different lifestyles and beliefs, but at the end of each minute, hour and day, we’re all living human beings!
Include
Can things indirectly unfold?
Or is it all just naturally? As it should?
The urge to push against the discomfort can reign,
taking you off your high clear headed state
And then you get more thrashed and defiant
because specks of defeat are mottled throughout
your constructed powerhouse.
Even powerhouses need recharge and gentle
and those cheerless electricities need be comforted.
Embrace indirect or naturally,
I don’t know the difference.
Life Particles 